With every new season that rolls around I swear to myself I'm going to quit.
But just like my meth addiction, I can't stop.
I hate the show. I hate it so much I can't stop watching.
I really thought this was going to be the year I was ready to stop cold turkey.
I haven't been reading the magazines, I've stayed off the blogs,
and I've been wearing my anti-bachelor patch on my nipple as instructed.
But the moment the camera caught the sunlight bouncing off every one of Sean's baby white body hairs
I knew I was done for.
And not because I find him attractive,
but because I find it intriguing that a grown man can have so many blonde hairs still.
So I'm jumping right in.
Should I start with the ethnic elephant in the room?
The fact that ABC is finally branching out and adding a little diversity to this show?
As much as I enjoy watching middle class white people fall in love,
it's about damn time we bring in a few more races already.
However I won't be truly happy until we have a homosexual or two.
And then we've got what is probably my favorite part of the entire season-
the tunnel walk.
If given the choice of drowning in a freezing river
or having to come up with something "catchy and cute" to say on national television
on a dating show to make me stand out,
I'd choose eating hot lava while drowning naked in a freezing river any day.
A few of my favorites were
Failed back walkover girl.
50 Shades of Skank girl.
Not just anybody can pull off blackout as elegantly as she did.
Wedding dress girl.
"I kinda wish I could do this over, and maybe wear a normal dress."
Nooooooo. It was good idea!
1980s yoga girl.
Robin Robbins girl.
I have a weird urge to challenge this girl to a game of "horse."
Tierra.
Because I couldn't find a contestant named Chandelier.
Or Angel. Or Glitter. Or Mariah Carey.
And then !surprise! one more girl showed up (it was Kacie B.)
But was anyone else waiting for Shawntell
(whom I used to refer as Funeral Bitch)
to get out of the limo instead?
But here's my pick right now for who's going to be captain crazy, this season-
Taryn.
I don't know what makes me say this,
maybe it's the bones in her neck that are popping out,
or it could be the overall look on her face that would appear as if it's about two seconds away from setting something on fire.
But I think we all need to keep our eye on this one.
Overall, I was most sad to see Ashley H. go home.
would figure out she was actually a man.
To Wong Foo Thanks for everything, Julie Newmar!
Quote of the episode:
"It's easier to date a girl with two arms."
Coming from someone who has in fact dated a girl with three arms,
I can't say that this is absolutely true.
Until next week, my bachelor friends.
