Living with a boy is hard.
However, I'm honest enough with myself to say that living with a girl
(when you're a boy)
is probably a lot harder.
Sometimes I think all of our crazy antics can be traced back to Queen Crazy herself,
when she was told repeatedly not to take a bite of the damn apple
but she did anyway.
I'd understand if it was a piece of sausage pizza, or chicken nachos or something,
but an apple? Really, Eve? You couldn't have waited just an hour until dinner?
Because of that one decision I think God gave all girls the crazies.
As well as the inability to not eat something when we know we shouldn't...
How often does your guy go crazy because you left the dishes out?
Or the toilet seat down?
Or didn't make the bed? Or ate the last of the Cinnamon Toast Crunchies without buying a new box?
He probably didn't. Because guys are more sane than girls.
And if you disagree with me, well then I suggest buckling up, because your crazy train
is obviously moving a lot faster.
Let's look at some perfect scenarios, shall we?
Scenarios in which it's painfully obvious God is laughing His heavenly ass off from up above knowing there will never be a solution to the madness.
1. The bathroom sink.
God gives men facial hair that must be shaved.
God gives women the ability to notice details. ie facial hair lying everywhere.
And the monsoon that's left on the sink and the mirror and the floor every morning?
Don't even get me started.
And let me just point out that Chris is (for the most part) a really clean guy.
But I always seem to set my makeup in that one puddle of shavings on the sink that will send
me through the roof.
And I hate it. Because I know it's crazy of me. And I know it's Eve's fault.
2. The kitchen.
God gives men the desire to eat.
God gives women the nervosa to want to eat, but not want to eat, but do you want to eat,
are you hungry, I'm not hungry,
but I could eat, what are you eating, should I eat it?
How am I supposed to eat a salad when Chris eats pizza?
And at 10 p.m. when he makes popcorn and melts a bowl of butter to pour on top am I
really supposed to say, no thanks I'll have an apple instead.
Isn't that what got us into this mess in the first place?
3. On Making the Bed.
God lets man sleep.
God lets woman sleep, but in a way that she doesn't mess up the bed too bad because damnit
she's just gonna have to make it in the morning and nobody likes making a messy bed.
I'm real bad at this.
When I lived alone I pretty much folded down one tiny corner of my bed
and then parachuted in, making sure I didn't mess anything up, so the next
morning it would take all of three seconds to make again.
That's coo coo, I know. But sometimes I'm short on time in the morning and I can't stand
leaving the house with an unmade bed.
Chris typically gets up after me. And like 99.9% of the gentlemen I know, he doesn't make the bed.
You don't tie your shoes after you take them off, do you?
He has a good point, I suppose.
But still, every girl I know makes the bed every morning,
and every guy I know doesn't.
What the hell is with that?
4. Putting Things Away.
God warns man to be weary of woman,
she is never putting things away, she is hiding them. Always hiding them.
If I had a dollar for every time Chris blamed me of "hiding his shit"
I wouldn't need to play the lotto tonight, because I would already have 500 million dollars.
"Where did you hide my shoes again?!" they are in the closet.
"Why can't I ever find my dob kit?" it's under the sink.
"What did you do with that chord I had two years ago?" it's in the chord bag.
And lastly,
5. The TV.
God gives man interest in things such as gold digging, and pawn shopping, and storage warring,
and duck dynasting.
God makes women shame themselves by watching other wealthier women fight about
parties, plastic surgery, and the Richards sisters.
My taste in TV is awful and I know it.
When Chris walks in the door and I'm watching RHBH I change the channel like
a fourteen year old boy left alone with free HBO in a hotel room.
And on that note, I need to go erase some of my DVR shows so Chris
doesn't realize I've started watching Nashville.
I hate myself more and more with each episode.
But those songs are so catchy...
