LFM #3- Dear Husker Football Players,

Dear Husker Football Players,

I just wanted to take a moment to say congratulations on your 9-4 season. And I’m being completely serious. You won 9 games and only lost 4. In collegiate football, division 1, no less. That’s pretty neat if you ask me. From what I understand, it’s pretty difficult just to play at the level you’re at. I mean, I was barely recruited to play basketball at Norfolk’s JuCo. And by barely, I mean not at all. So if naysayers want to say you guys are bad well then what on earth would that make me? They don't give the 2005 Norfolk Senior High Girl's Basketball Hustle award to just anyone. So keep your head up! Try to remember the last time you took to a blog or website or FB to bitch about other athletes much better than yourself…. Exactly, you didn’t! Because you have better things to do. Like walk around campus in your big baggy sweats with your red bookbag and get handed tests before the actual test date while you be beating hos at parties on Dorchester. No, I’m kidding, that was too far. It’s not the 90s, that shiz don’t fly anymore. And I’ve been to those parties, those hos be beating the bros. How do you think my good friend Tyeler landed Z Potter? With a bottle of Bartons, a pack of roofies, and a baseball bat. Again, jokes! I don’t know what’s gotten into me today.

But seriously, you fellas did the best you could with what you have. Take for instance the Nazis. They started off strong, everyone (crazy Germans) expected the best from them, but you can only go so far when you’re being led by Adolf Pelini Hitler. Does that make any sense? I may not know Bo personally, besides the times I saw him running around on campus dressed in a black garbage bag, but from what I’ve heard that man has one too many corncobs up his Pelini. Is that a pun? As I’ve said before, I really don’t know anything about football besides the very basics (touchdowns, interceptions, stadium seats discriminate against smaller people.) However, I know a LOT about drama queens. And Bo puts the Bo in Boooitch! Announcers during Husker games practically feed on his temper, constantly zooming in on his cave like nostrils, saying things like, “Coach Pelini is not happy about this one… He is about to slit Herbie Husker’s wrist.” It’s embarrassing for Nebraska, we’re not supposed to be angry people. But why am I telling you this? You guys (bless your hearts) have to put up with this animal on a daily basis. But your work doesn’t go unnoticed, so I just wanted to say thanks. If not for you, what would grown men argue about on Husker sites (dad…) or when would Facebook Girls have the chance to wear their jersey dresses? Or their homemade off-the-shoulder T Shirts. Or their tall wedges with shorts. Or Husker crop tops with mini skirts.

It’s all for the fun of the game. My only regret is that now I have to pretend to enjoy Husker basketball. Ugh. I don’t care how much weight Doc Saddlebags has lost, I’m still not feeling it. I can’t wait for the spring game already. Maybe Tay Tay will finally take a trip to Oz to find his courage once and for all.

XOXO
Ron Brown