Dear 34 year old self,
So… You got your shit together? You better. It’s January 4th, 2022. How could you not be doing great? Twenty two is your number, I hope you’re wearing your gold chain with the 22 charm all year long. Quincy McCall would be proud.
But enough small talk, let’s get right down to it. First things first, the Mayan calendar thing never happened, right? Right? Okay good, 24 year old me isn’t really worried, but it’s just nice to have a confirmation. Are you married? Children? Ugh I hope not… But, no offense if you do. I’m sure in ten years children won’t gross me out like they do now. Speaking of children, Knox is like 11 now, huh? That’s a rough age, go easy on him if he’s super annoying and tells dumb jokes all the time and is either awkwardly skinny or little boy chubby (there’s no in between at this age.) Do yourself a favor and look at photos from 1998 before you judge him. And look at your nails right now, if your cuticles look like they’ve been gnawed by a pack of dogs, stop picking. Go get a manicure, if you can’t afford one of these by now well then we really have a problem.
Speaking of finances… How you doing on the old money front? You’re not still buying your tights at Walgreens, right? That really needs to stop. Can you afford to get your hair professionally dyed more than once a year now? I mean you’re thirty four, now isn’t exactly the time to skimp on beauty products. Are you getting paid to write yet? Traveling from your secluded writing spots in Carmel, CA to somewhere on the east coast and back home to Chicago/Omaha for a much needed break. Congrats, if you are. I’m jealous. What finally got you there? Was it the sarcastic children’s book or the faux memoir? Either would be great. I just hope you’re not still making cold calls leaving mindless voicemails for people that will never return them. Again, no offense if you are… But please tell me you’re not. Remember what Steve Jobs said, “you must do something you love, there simply is no other way.” Has Jobs been unfrozen yet? I sure hope so. Chris tried to get a new iPhone yesterday and they were on back order! That can’t be a good sign. I don’t even want to ask you what iPhones have turned into by 2022. Do we live in them now? Do we deliver children via iPhone? I hope so!
Do you still reminisce about college? I debated saying anything, but it might be time to get over this. Could be turning into a complex at this point. Who knows though, maybe now you think about the good old days when you were living a care free life in Chicago! Keep those rose colored Ray Bans on, I won’t remind you about the massive amount of debt I’m living in month after month right now. But hey, it’s all a part of the fun of being young, right? That’s what you say now I bet. I just gotta ask, but you haven't started hosting at-home parties to sell shit, right? This means you've really given up. Still blogging? I hope so, carrying that steady Following mass of 70ish peeps? Good for you, let's shoot for 80 by 2023. You go Glen CoCo.
I have so many questions for you it’s really not even funny, I can tell this will be the first of many letters. Let me just hash out a few quick ones while I’m thinking about them. What’s TV like? Have reality shows finally evolved into a 24/7 Truman Show of people who are tricked into thinking it’s real life. Silly me, that’s already happened. Celebs? The Biebs overdose yet? Are the Pitt-Jolie kids all married to each other? Is Jason Bateman still playing the same over worked, beaten down, good guy in every film? Films still around? Too many questions, too little time since I’m still not my own boss. You better have this taken care of soon.
And p.s. is Facebook now a virtual live feed where people walk around all day with cameras on themselves recording every single movement of their day? This would just save us all a lot of time...
TTYL (that means Talk To You Later in case you forgot) oh, and I just found out what SMH means. So dumb. LTISM.
-24 Year Old Me.
