Introducing the newest Bachelor: Ben Flajnik. I'm walking into this season completely blindsided since I haven't been able to watch since dear Emily Maynard broke my heart when she agreed to marry that douche Brad Jake Pavelka. It's taken a while for me to heal. But I'm back, and so is Ben. And from what I've gathered Ben is the love child of the oldest Jonas brother and Apolo Ohno and now he is here to find his future wife. I love it. It's like I never left.
After watching just the first episode I am more embarrassed than ever to call myself a girl. I'm about two doctors away from Chaz Bonoing myself. The embarrassing introductions, the pathetic bickering, the tears, the bronzer, it was all just too much. Here's a riddle, which came first, the crazy or the girl? I think ABC should start a new realty contest show called "Introductions." Whoever comes up with the most outlandish/ridiculous way to introduce themselves wins. Bad jokes and awkward lines are highly encouraged, as are flashy glittzy Toddler & Tiara dresses.
Let me just breeze through a few of the girls who stuck out in my mind upon "first impression."
Amber "lick me I taste like bacon" girl. Sad to see this one go so soon. She had crazy bitch written all over her, could have been a lot of fun to watch. And I got mad respect for any girl who compares herself to bacon. And by respect I mean judgement.
Jenna. Jenna, Jenna, Jenna. Where do I even start with this pile of cray cray? Right from the beginning with her awkward introduction of "yeah, yeah, I mean yeah, bad things end yeah, yeah, I mean things end bad, yeah, yeah." And then she gets into a fight with a lesbian and ends things with Ben by thanking him for being so calm because she's nervous but he's calm so it makes her nervous but calm and nervous and then everything goes dark. You want to know why everything goes dark, Jenna? It's called being blackedout. And for your sake, I'd go with it and let the whole world think you're just that hammered and that explains why you're the first nut job of the season. Just a suggestion. But all in all, I expect great things from this JennaCray.
Courtney the model. Courtney's a model. And she models in New York when she models while she's modeling. Because she's a model. But she's available (when she's not modeling.)
Sam "more than a pageant girl" pageant girl. If you're out to prove you're not just a pageant whore then why where the sash for a first impression? Even Eden Wood knows better.
Amber from Waverly, Nebraska. GO NEBRASKA! Woo hoo! Poor thing looks like she just stepped off the cattle truck. Sad to see her go though because I get jollies off of seeing anyone from Nebraska rep our state on National television. Guess I'll just have to wait for Vacanti to be on the Bachelorette.
Kentucky girl with the hat. To the rest of the world Kentucky isn't known for pretty girls, it's known for chicken. Chicken and hats. So next time take that stupid ass hat off your head and fill it with KFC and I bet you'll have a lot better luck. Throw in some of dem biscuits and you'll be golden.
Melissa with her Grandma. I'm not going to say anything negative about this sweetheart because her Gma was a doll. And it really grinded my gears to see the other snatchy girls saying negative things about Grandma. She was great.
Jennifer the accountant. She's been arrested 0 times, been in love 1 time, taken a shit in public only 10 times, and has been a convicted sex offender only 1 time (but she was just peeing! It was college!)
The Brit with the messy bun. No.
Jaclyn. Vienna called, wants her face back.
Lindzi who rides in on a horse. "I used to ride to make a living," so do a lot of girls, but they don't go announcing it on their first date! Geesh! She gets the first rose, all the girls hate her, she's going to make it until the end.
So that's my recap. If given the choice my first impression rose would have gone to Grandma. Hopefully this season is as pathetically entertaining as the previous ones have been. Sometimes it's just fun to watch girls bitch and moan for no real reason while fighting over the same doucher, reminds me of my good old days at the sorority house. Theta love and mine!
Until next week...
