Bach Edition- Too much.

Well hot damn! It was like Christmas morning today waking up with all of my notifications on Facebook of others reposting our book cover on their fb pages. So a huge thanks for that, Kam and I really and truly appreciate all of the support. Turns out the Facebook world is full of good peeps after all. But let's move on to the more important stuff, like the world full of crazy Bachelor bitches.

Too much. So much. I don't even know where to start. I was half way through watching/analysing everything when Chris Harrison threw yet another curve ball our way and tossed old Funeralbitch into the mix. Shawnny! I missed that sweet old SOB. And then all hell broke loose. I was entirely disgusted to see the way every single girl acted when a little bit of competition was thrown their way. And since when was a dark haired morgue worker who still dresses like it's 2007 considered competition, anyway? The glares, the gawking, the hangnail biting, snatchalert was in full force. And was Shawntel really worthy of all of the claws and nasty comments that came out when she came into picture? I hardly thought so.

I have so much to say about the last ten minutes of this episode I am too manic to get it all into print right now. So I am just going to start spewing.

"A bridge takes two things that are separate and puts them together." Awww, very good Emily. You know what else does that? Velcro. Go back to Hang Time, or Step by Step, or whatever family television show it was you came from. You talk like a five year old.

Skiing down a street in San Fran in a bikini? Mortified, this is the scene where I leave the show.

Brittney goes home. Cut yourself before Ben cuts you. Good call. The "torn and confusion" you felt is completely natural, it's called the Carrie Syndrome. You were the chubby girl invited to the pretty girl sorority house and yet you just knew deep down there was going to be a bucket of blood waiting for you right when you entered. Poor thing.  Those silly insecurities just get the best of us sometimes, legacy schmegacy. Tell Gma hello.

Kacie B. Your sweet Southern stuff is just annoying to me now. Go to a speech pathologist, that accent makes me ears bleed.

Lindzi... Oh what a doll. Although I have a sneaking suspicion you have a whole lot of crazy locked deep away in that sweet little brain of yours. Anyone who gets dumped via text: "dumpsville, population you." has to have some serious spiders in their closet. Have you ever heard of Tynley? Any chance you are Tynley just wearing a new set of skin?

Jennifer- Somewhere along the line someone told you red heads should wear red dresses and red lipstick and red blush and a red headband. They were wrong. Even Lilo dies her hair blonde. Why are you still around?

Jamie/Samantha- Who? But really, who are you two?

Kasey Frizzy S. Hairspray. Try it.

Courtney- If you put your hair back and pulled down a few spirals on each side you would be an orthodox Jew. And as Joy pointed out, if you stopped eating your lower lip every second you would be the perfect doppleganger for Frida Kahlo. It's "wack." But I like you... Only because I have a secret fear you are watching me right now and will set me on fire with the power of your eyebrows if I say otherwise..

Monica- Gross. No. No. Gross. Stop.

Elyse- Rumor around the Chicago street is that you're not even from Chicago. You're from some stupid suburb, like the Jersey Shore. So get your shit and head back to Jerserylicious. Your tude and boxblack hair would be better appreciated elsewhere.

Blakely- My bestfriend Leslie said oh she's just being Miley  a slut.


Losers:

Jaclyn "I think I'm better than Shawntel." And Gonzo thinks he's better than you. You win some, you lose some.

Ericka- Somewhere in between faint #1 and faint #2, Apollo addresses Ericka and she lights up like the sky thinking he is choosing her, then she immediately takes it back realizing her mistake. I am ashamed to admit I rewound this about five times and rewatched this specific incident laughing like a heinous bitch. Just for the record I was ashamed to do it. But it was too good.

And sadly Shawntel didn't stay around as long as we all hoped, but it sure was fun while it lasted.

I don't mean to judge so harshly. I'm just making observations, that's what I do as a writer. And I can't help that I was left with a bad taste in my mouth not only because of my dry sockets but also because of the embarrassingly terrible way these grown women chose to act toward the end when they were presented with just a little diversity. And on MLK day. Never insult a Shawntel on MLK day, everybody know dat.