Chpt 1: First Things First

Facebook wasn’t built in a day

I think it was the creation of the mini feed which changed everything on Facebook. The mini made creeping seem less, well, creepy. People I had never thought to look up before were suddenly popping up with new photos posted, relationship statuses or posts proclaiming new jobs and engagements. Prior to the mini feed I never would have cared what Tessa, a girl I went to grade school with but never actually spoke to, was going to choose for the colors of her bridesmaid’s dresses. Not that I care anymore now, I’m just more aware, I suppose. That is one of the many beauties of Facebook, it makes us “aware” of the things we wouldn’t have known regarding people we most likely wouldn’t say hello to on the street. But just because we don’t say hello doesn’t mean we don’t know the nicknames of their dogs and cats, the color of their new Honda or the way they felt about last night’s episode of the Bachelor.

I’m not 100% sure why the mini chooses the people it does to appear on my feed. But from what I understand, the more a person posts obviously increases their odds for popping up. Thus enters Facebook Girl into my life.

In the beginning I did not take much notice to her updates. They were lost in the mix of other standard statuses regarding hangover levels “I’m never drinking again,” being single, “single and sexy with my girls tonight,” and over used quotes, “never make someone your priority when you are only their option.” Blah, blah, blah. But eventually, as MySpace became a place strictly for pedophiles and porn stars more and more people were turning to the social networking sight featuring the blue faced man. Facebook updates began to multiply. And so did my specific Facebook Girl’s statuses.

I place a great deal of blame on my iphone regarding the amount of useless personal information I know about my fellow Facebookers. All I have to do is click the Facebook application on my phone and in a split second my screen is full of ridiculously non important updates. And on any given day, Facebook Girl is responsible for a bulk of the activity. So simply checking my phone in short moments of downtime -waiting in lines at Target, slow moving traffic (sorry Oprah) and every other spare second during my day, I think it’s pretty evident how my interest began in this person. I can’t help the fact that I was intrigued by her threats toward other readers, “Haters: If u mess with me I will effing rip your life apart,” see Haters and Creepers. And also by shenanigans that seemed only to be normal everyday occurrences for her, “So I pulled up to a sexy guy on a hot bike and gave him my number. he's like umm I met u and ur my facebook friend. Lmao good start to a Wednesday.”

What can I say? I was hooked. Soon enough I would learn I wasn’t the only one entertained by her outlandish updates and racy profile pictures. Facebook Girl had an entire secret following of other girls just like myself. Fellow girls not brave enough to post photos of themselves in polka dot bikinis and knee high boots. Not liberated enough to spat evil words into the Facebook world for all to see regarding cheating boyfriends and backstabbing friends.

Then it dawned on me, if me and several other people are entertained, perhaps Facebookers’ all over would be, as well. Like I’ve always said, it’s a small Facebook world, after all. So after many grueling hours spent on Facebook (researching) I offer you a year of insightful updates and statuses in the life of a Facebook Girl regarding only the most important subjects in life (Facebook life, I mean.)