The book that never was.

So in the small amount of free time I have had this summer in between laying out and random trips across the Midwest and nightly cocktails starting around 4:30, I have been trying to legitimize the massive amount of time I spend researching on Facebook. I would like to do something with the large amount of knowledge I have gained via FB about people this summer, i.e. "time spent with besties," "wedding season underway"," sexy tan lines and flip flops," you know the standard stuff. So anywho I started work on a little project I called "Facebook Girl." It's not about me of course, my book would probably be called "Facebook Creep." I've spent many hours researching my favorite Facebook Girls all in the name of this book. After roughly two weeks of work I've sadly come to the conclusion that it's just not good enough. I was inspired by the Twitter kid "ShitMyDadSays," if you haven't checked out this book I highly recommend you do because it's hilarious- think Red Foreman meets Ari Gold. So after much blood, sweat and beers, I made myself realize what I had known for a few days now, my FBgirl book was not turning out nearly as funny as I thought it might. My dream of going on Chelsea to talk about the book and then also casually bring up the time that her security guard had called me to say I couldn't write her anymore fan letters just so we could share a few more laughs and then we would obviously plan to meet up afterward for drinks has slowly diminished. (I mean for now, I'll figure out a new way new week.) It's okay though. This isn't the first book that hasn't panned out how I hoped. The ghost thriller I wrote in 3rd grade entitled "What's Really Hiding In My Attic," was never picked up by Goosebumps but that didn't stop me. It wasn't a total loss, it kinda felt nice to pretend creeping on Facebook was my job. I truly enjoyed myself. I've decided to post a little from the intro just for shits and giggles.

Facebook Girl

The girl we all want to hate but can't help but love.

Life's greatest lessons reflected through statuses.

Introduction:

We all know a Facebook Girl. Whether we know her in the real world, or simply in Facebook world- which let’s face it, is sometimes better than the real world. She occupies our mini feed with her constant status updates and always changing profile pictures usually consisting of either a bikini, alcohol or a cowboy hat, sometimes all three. Her lips are pouty and her eyes are begging. The photo is self taken in a large bathroom mirror via cell phone, or simply by extending one’s right arm as far as possible to capture that perfect profile shot. A “perfect profile shot” consists of lots of cleavage, tousled hair and glancing over one’s shoulder mid booty pop. A Facebook Girl has perfected the pose. And we love her for it.

Her status updates are unpredictable, ridiculous and unintentionally comical. Absolutely no subject is off limits. On any given day a post will include boyfriend debacles, details of drunken escapades, painfully bad style advice, or harsh words directed toward a fellow Facebook Girl. One of the guidelines to be a Facebook Girl is that no details (humility) are to be spared in a post, whether it’s a comment on a photo, wall, or just a good old fashioned status. A Facebook Girl’s actual page is similar to a Hannah Montana movie- it is acceptable to mock in front of others, but never actually permitted to admit checking it out. But after all, her overly dramatic life is just our entertainment.

So to the Facebook Girls’ everywhere, don’t think we’re judging you. We’re honoring you. Because the Facebook world simply would not be the same without you. Who would bored employees stalk while sitting at their desks waiting for 5:00 p.m.? What photo albums would students click through to make time pass in a boring lecture? And most importantly, whose status updates would I check while sitting at a red light?