#1. Never cry in an interview.
I didn't cry in my interview today, but I came damn close.
Not because the interviewer was mean, he was really quite nice
(in a sweet little puppy dog who looks like Paul Giamatti kind of way.)
This is Paul Giamatti, one of the better actors of our time I'd have to say.
Actually in looking back, one might assume I was the interviewer because I asked a majority of
the questions and I announced when the interview was over.
But that's beside point.
Anyway, the reason I almost started crying was simply because I started picturing myself
working in this terrible job and it was just too much for me to handle.
Whenever he'd say things like "discuss their office supply needs" and
"you have to be passionate about providing the best paper products possible"
I'd wince a little and ask myself how on earth I'd gotten so off course in life.
#2. Try not to judge a book by its cover.
Or do.
Initially, when I was walking toward the building where this office was located I allowed myself
to get a little excited about the thought of acting like a big city working girl again.
The office was right off Madison and Clark in the heart of downtown Chicago.
So yeah, the Tess McGill in me had about thirty seconds of excitement as I walked from my bus stop
to the building.
And then I got into the actual office and saw it was a complete dump.
I judge certain places, like offices spaces for example, by first appearances.
And this place was rough.
Bad decor, or lack thereof I should say, makes me homesick.
It always has. It's a weird disorder I've had since I was a little girl.
I refused to stay the night at anyone's house that didn't feel "homey enough to me."
And in this office there was nothing on the wall, no plants on the ground,
and I didn't see a single framed photo on anyone's desk.
I literally almost bolted.
But then I saw the Paul Giamatti come out and he looked so kind so I figured I'd better stay.
#3. Don't bolt before, or during, the actual interview.
Once I sat down to begin the interview Paul told me that this office was just their
"landing pad."
I still don't know what he meant by that because from what I gathered most of the employees go into
the office at least once a day, it's not strictly "outside sales" as I previously thought...
Paul then asked me my knowledge on paper products,
so I said I've never worked in the industry myself,
but I have a few friends named Greg and Pam and Dwight who have been in the industry for years.
Paul didn't seem to catch the reference so he just went right into his speel about selling
office products.
And then it was somewhere in between him talking about their new line of office trash bags,
and their new break-room paper towels, when I felt as if I actually floated out of my body for a second
and was able to view this interview as an outsider looking in.
And to an outsider, it was quite comical.
#4. Just smile and nod, occasionally add an "of course" and "oh definitely"
when need be.
It was probably during this out of body experience when I just stopped paying attention completely.
I didn't mean to, but I really had no idea what he was talking about so my mind started to wander.
And for as long as I can remember, whenever I'm in situations when I need to pay attention but can't,
I always feel like I'm Homer Simpson from this one specific episode.
(You probably only need to listen to a second or two and you'll get the point.
Of course I listened to all five minutes of it because I find it that oddly amusing.)
It gets me every time because that's exactly how I feel.
#5 Try to pay attention rather than pretend you're Homer Simpson.
"What are you professionally passionate about?" asked Paul, as I slowly returned back into my body.
This was a question I had never been asked before and for a brief second I wasn't sure what to say.
Because I'm not passionate about paper products. Or anything else I assumed he had talked about for the past 30 minutes.
"I'm professionally passionate about all of the things I'm passionate about in life in general.
About writing, and blogging, and Harlow, and going out to eat with Chris."
JK. I didn't say that.
I said I'm passionate about helping people pick out the correct manila folders and
the right sized paper clips. Duh.
#6 Don't settle.
In the end, he asked me where I saw myself in five years.
I knew what I was supposed to say, "I would like to be in a managerial position within this company and still have more opportunity for growth within the paper sales market."
Woof, no thank you.
I thought for a second, then decided what the hell I might as well Tin Cup it and just go all in,
so I said,
"Ideally in five years if I could see myself anywhere,
I would love it if I could be making a living as a writer.
I don't know if that would be from a book, or a blog, or writing at SNL, I really have no idea.
Just working off hope is all...
But in five years that would be pretty cool."
Good day, sir.
This interview is over.
And just like that she's back to square one.
I didn't cry in my interview today, but I came damn close.
Not because the interviewer was mean, he was really quite nice
(in a sweet little puppy dog who looks like Paul Giamatti kind of way.)
Actually in looking back, one might assume I was the interviewer because I asked a majority of
the questions and I announced when the interview was over.
But that's beside point.
Anyway, the reason I almost started crying was simply because I started picturing myself
working in this terrible job and it was just too much for me to handle.
Whenever he'd say things like "discuss their office supply needs" and
"you have to be passionate about providing the best paper products possible"
I'd wince a little and ask myself how on earth I'd gotten so off course in life.
#2. Try not to judge a book by its cover.
Or do.
Initially, when I was walking toward the building where this office was located I allowed myself
to get a little excited about the thought of acting like a big city working girl again.
The office was right off Madison and Clark in the heart of downtown Chicago.
So yeah, the Tess McGill in me had about thirty seconds of excitement as I walked from my bus stop
to the building.
And then I got into the actual office and saw it was a complete dump.
I judge certain places, like offices spaces for example, by first appearances.
And this place was rough.
Bad decor, or lack thereof I should say, makes me homesick.
It always has. It's a weird disorder I've had since I was a little girl.
I refused to stay the night at anyone's house that didn't feel "homey enough to me."
And in this office there was nothing on the wall, no plants on the ground,
and I didn't see a single framed photo on anyone's desk.
I literally almost bolted.
But then I saw the Paul Giamatti come out and he looked so kind so I figured I'd better stay.
#3. Don't bolt before, or during, the actual interview.
Once I sat down to begin the interview Paul told me that this office was just their
"landing pad."
I still don't know what he meant by that because from what I gathered most of the employees go into
the office at least once a day, it's not strictly "outside sales" as I previously thought...
Paul then asked me my knowledge on paper products,
so I said I've never worked in the industry myself,
but I have a few friends named Greg and Pam and Dwight who have been in the industry for years.
Paul didn't seem to catch the reference so he just went right into his speel about selling
office products.
And then it was somewhere in between him talking about their new line of office trash bags,
and their new break-room paper towels, when I felt as if I actually floated out of my body for a second
and was able to view this interview as an outsider looking in.
And to an outsider, it was quite comical.
#4. Just smile and nod, occasionally add an "of course" and "oh definitely"
when need be.
It was probably during this out of body experience when I just stopped paying attention completely.
I didn't mean to, but I really had no idea what he was talking about so my mind started to wander.
And for as long as I can remember, whenever I'm in situations when I need to pay attention but can't,
I always feel like I'm Homer Simpson from this one specific episode.
(You probably only need to listen to a second or two and you'll get the point.
Of course I listened to all five minutes of it because I find it that oddly amusing.)
It gets me every time because that's exactly how I feel.
#5 Try to pay attention rather than pretend you're Homer Simpson.
"What are you professionally passionate about?" asked Paul, as I slowly returned back into my body.
This was a question I had never been asked before and for a brief second I wasn't sure what to say.
Because I'm not passionate about paper products. Or anything else I assumed he had talked about for the past 30 minutes.
"I'm professionally passionate about all of the things I'm passionate about in life in general.
About writing, and blogging, and Harlow, and going out to eat with Chris."
JK. I didn't say that.
I said I'm passionate about helping people pick out the correct manila folders and
the right sized paper clips. Duh.
#6 Don't settle.
In the end, he asked me where I saw myself in five years.
I knew what I was supposed to say, "I would like to be in a managerial position within this company and still have more opportunity for growth within the paper sales market."
Woof, no thank you.
I thought for a second, then decided what the hell I might as well Tin Cup it and just go all in,
so I said,
"Ideally in five years if I could see myself anywhere,
I would love it if I could be making a living as a writer.
I don't know if that would be from a book, or a blog, or writing at SNL, I really have no idea.
Just working off hope is all...
But in five years that would be pretty cool."
Good day, sir.
This interview is over.
And just like that she's back to square one.
