And so it's time for another obligatory resolution post.
Or at least it was five days ago...
Rather than telling you all how I'm going to do something really original like start working out
(I haven't been in a gym since college, so we'll see how this goes)
or that I'm going to finish writing a book
(I haven't written a book since ever, so we'll see how this goes.)
I'm instead going to focus on things I wish others would do.
Why improve myself when I could improve other people.
See how selfless I am?
Resolutions I wish you woud have made.
Regarding Celebrities for 2013:
1. Justin Timberlake
To get his marriage annulled to Mary Camden.
She's a bad apple and we all know it. Remember when she had that fling with her high school
basketball coach?
2. Katy Perry
To stop making "music."
And instead focus on making cotton candy.
3. Prince Harry
To party naked more frequently at casinos in the US.
I'd meet him at the boats in Council Bluffs, any day.
4. Whitney Cummings.
To just stop.
Everything.
5. Michael Scott
To come back for just one more episode.
Please, Michael. Do it for Toby.
6. Taylor Swift
To steal Kanye's baby the second the doctor places it in his arms and proclaim,
this belongs to Ray J!
7. John Stamos
To do a remake video of Forever.
8. Amanda Beines
To write a "Dear Amanda" letter to herself asking for advice on what to do
after you get your 3rd DUI at age 23 and have officially fallen off the deep end.
9. Stefon
To make a movie already.
10. Ke$ha
To create her own swimsuit line.
Regarding Instagram Pals:
To stop instagramming photos of your treadmill screen showing
all of us lazy asses exactly how many calories you just burnt at your intense workout!
We don't care.
If you need kudos after every workout go to Curves.
Regarding Facebook Friends:
To stop liking statuses already liked by 1.5 thousand other people
so my mini feed can go back to consisting of statuses from people I actually know,
and enjoy creeping on.
Regarding Twitter Friends:
To stop getting into public internet fights with each other.
It's pretty weird.
Entertaining as hell, but still pretty weird.
And that's all I've got.
I'm gonna go gnaw on my cabinet handles for awhile as I have officially eaten
everything in my house in preparation of starting to eat "healthy" tomorrow.
I'll be knee deep in wings and beer by Wednesday.
Or at least it was five days ago...
Rather than telling you all how I'm going to do something really original like start working out
(I haven't been in a gym since college, so we'll see how this goes)
or that I'm going to finish writing a book
(I haven't written a book since ever, so we'll see how this goes.)
I'm instead going to focus on things I wish others would do.
Why improve myself when I could improve other people.
See how selfless I am?
Resolutions I wish you woud have made.
Regarding Celebrities for 2013:
1. Justin Timberlake
To get his marriage annulled to Mary Camden.
She's a bad apple and we all know it. Remember when she had that fling with her high school
basketball coach?
2. Katy Perry
To stop making "music."
And instead focus on making cotton candy.
3. Prince Harry
To party naked more frequently at casinos in the US.
I'd meet him at the boats in Council Bluffs, any day.
4. Whitney Cummings.
To just stop.
Everything.
5. Michael Scott
To come back for just one more episode.
Please, Michael. Do it for Toby.
6. Taylor Swift
To steal Kanye's baby the second the doctor places it in his arms and proclaim,
this belongs to Ray J!
7. John Stamos
To do a remake video of Forever.
8. Amanda Beines
To write a "Dear Amanda" letter to herself asking for advice on what to do
after you get your 3rd DUI at age 23 and have officially fallen off the deep end.
9. Stefon
To make a movie already.
10. Ke$ha
To create her own swimsuit line.
Regarding Instagram Pals:
To stop instagramming photos of your treadmill screen showing
all of us lazy asses exactly how many calories you just burnt at your intense workout!
We don't care.
If you need kudos after every workout go to Curves.
Regarding Facebook Friends:
To stop liking statuses already liked by 1.5 thousand other people
so my mini feed can go back to consisting of statuses from people I actually know,
and enjoy creeping on.
Regarding Twitter Friends:
To stop getting into public internet fights with each other.
It's pretty weird.
Entertaining as hell, but still pretty weird.
And that's all I've got.
I'm gonna go gnaw on my cabinet handles for awhile as I have officially eaten
everything in my house in preparation of starting to eat "healthy" tomorrow.
I'll be knee deep in wings and beer by Wednesday.
