If it wasn't Emily
I wouldn't be blogging about the Bachelorette this time around.
I'm in the middle of a move, starting a new job, and summer is no time to be locked to the TV for two hours a night every Monday.
But it's Emily.
How can I not blog about this little angel?
She is just...
Perfect.
Do all single 26 year old mom's live in mansions?
Because then I want a kid too,
and pearly white veneers, white blonde hair, a southern accent and double zero jeans.
As expected,
all of the guys are as douchetastic as ever.
As I watched each of them step out of the limo I couldn't help but cringe with embarrassment for every one of them.
It used to be only the girls looked like assbags trying to set them selfs apart in the very beginning,
but now the boys seem to have caught on as well.
In no specific order, here are the gentlemen that I would have immediately sent home.
Jackson AKA Judy Bloom- the man who got on his knee and quoted
"life's not measured by the breaths you take, but the breaths you take away."
Why do I have a feeling Jackson has a journal full of these quotes along side numerous glittery Lisa Frank horse stickers tucked underneath his pillow back at home.
Stevie AKA Carlton from Fresh Prince- the guy who "walked" in "dancing."
This was so sad. I couldn't even watch.
I felt like I was watching a deleted scene from Boy Meets World.
Tony AKA Freddy Prince Charming Jr- the guy who held out the glass shoe.
I refuse to take this guy seriously. Not only because he walked in with a shoe on a pillow-
but because he is a lumber jack from Beaverton, Oregon.
If this isn't the theme for an adult movie already, it probably should be.
Randy AKA Kathy Bates- the man who dresses in Grandma drag.
Remember how weird it was when that girl brought her grandma on the Bachelor?
Who knew it could get weirder.
Travis AKA Lady Gaga-the guy with the egg.
What does this mean?
When I think of an egg I don't think of anything romantic.
I think of ovaries or scrambled eggs or Gaga.
Other notables-
The rich douche who flew in on a helicopter- but he's "not like that anymore."
The poor SOB with six kids... Call Octomom.
The creep who wrote the song about Emilaaaaay Emilayyyyyy Emileeeee.
And the guy who broke his ribs but not his heart. Didn't Marilyn Manson say the same thing once?
And as each manchild stepped out of the limo I was amazed at how Emily handled each and every one with such grace.
Chris says she just has great social skills.
I said, "I'd be so awful at this."
He replied, "yeah, you would..."
Yeah, I would.
Who else can make "deer in the headlights" look so glam?
I just hope we don't have to see any more of Ricki Bobby Jr for the rest of the show.
I know that's rude but she takes camera time away from Emily and I don't like that.
There's just something about her I don't trust.
I know she's only five,
but so was the little girl who set people on fire with her eyes.
For the next few months I am going to be living my life with the motto WWED.
What. Would. Emily. Do.
I screwed up tonight already by eating a Taco Bell Doritos taco.
I bet Emily wouldn't do that.
But tomorrow it's on.
Until next episode.
Live each day with WWED.
