Chpt 9- On Profile Photos and Photo Albums

As of tomorrow my birthday is less than 16 days away.

Which means the best day of the year on Facebook is less than 16 days away as well.

You know what this means?

I need to find a new profile picture.

One that says

"Hey I'm fun and happy to be 25!

and I'm tan.

and I don't have photo fat arm going on."

So yeah, 

that's what I need to accomplish this weekend.

In my self absorbed desire to find a good PPP (potential profile pic)

I was reminded of 

chapter 9-On Profile Photos and Photo Albums 

from that little book I wrote last year,

Facebook Girl: The girl we want to hate, but love to creep.

and yes, I designed the cover all on my own in case you were wondering.

I obviously wanted it to look super professional. and chic.

Anyway, just for shits and giggles I thought I'd go ahead and repost chapter 9 below. 

Just for a little refresher in case you're interested.

Chapter 9- On Profile Photos and Photo Albums

Refer to the Rule of B’s.

 When choosing a profile photo the best advice is to simply follow the Rule of B’s- 

boys, boobs, booties, booze, boots, balls, boyfriends, bikinis, bars, babies, bunnies, ext.

 The more B’s in the picture the better. It’s pretty standard stuff. I only figured out the Rule after extensive, long hours spent researching Facebook Girl. And then once it dawned on me, it was so obvious. I started to wonder who else knew about the Rule? Believe it or not, I found a few Facebook Boys who know the rule, as well. But that is another chapter. 

So as I have mentioned a time or two, a profile picture is one of the most important photos you will choose in your Facebook life. If Facebook was a reality show on ABC, the best profile photo might be called the First Impression Photo. It is the first shot in which others will judge you, I mean until they start creeping on your tagged photos and photo albums. Now most people choose a profile photo from one of their photo albums. If all goes well, a new photo album will typically result in a new profile photo. Unless of course you suffer from the Winter Ugly Disorder as I myself do and tend to look more like a cast member from The Hills Have Eyes and opt out of most photos from about November-March.

Common indicators that you might have a PPP (potential profile photo) would include some, but are not limited to the following criteria: skinny side arm, tan face, voluminous hair, not drunk eyes, sunset in background, new outfit, or any photo which clearly indicates you are on a vacation- to name a few. It is also pretty standard to choose a seasonally appropriate photo i.e. Football photo during the fall, ski photo for winter, spring break photo for spring and a lake or pool photo for summer. Of course exceptions can always be made during birthday and engagement months, as well.

The connection between a photo album and profile photo for Facebook Girl pretty much doesn’t exist. This is merely because most photos are taken solely for the purpose of a new profile photos rather than being chosen from an album. Should it be the case the photo did happen to come from an album it is most likely because Fbgirl said to a friend something along the lines of, 

“here, take a picture of me having fun because I really need a new profile pic.” 

Another great idea on her behalf, I feel. By doing so, she never even has to attempt to take a camera out to capture shots with other "friends" in the photo. I know I only have about a thirty minute window from the time I am finished getting ready until the time I have had a few drinks in which I might take a photo that is acceptable. Facebook Girl just makes sure to take a good photo by taking it before even leaving the house. And by taking it while she is getting ready. A few prime settings would include the bathroom (obviously) full length bedroom mirrors, or even a drivers seat in a car has become quite popular I have noticed. While learning to work a self timer is the best option, using your own extended arm can work, as well. And it's best if the photo is always of just Fbgirl, anyone else in the picture is just distracting. Regardless of what you might be wearing (dress, skirt, low cut anything, or even a nightie) just refer to the Rule of B's. If there is not at least 3 B's, don't even bother. Booty+boots+booze= good. Booty+boobs+boots+bikini=great! You get the idea. The best part about all of this is that by the conclusion of the numerous profile photo shoots taken Fbgirl often finds herself with her very own photo album created. An album of just her!

FbGirl Status Updates:

FbGirl: "Pretty bored so I just added a few new pics, check em' out... I mean when your gf isn't around. lol."

Oh don't be coy Fbgirl, you don't have to pretend you only did it because you were bored. LTISM. 

(Laughing Til I Shit Myself)

FbGirl: "Pics from last night are hilarious. Omg. Can't believe how crazy we got."

And by "we" do you mean "I?" Because the only photos seem to be of you, unless of course it wasn't your self timer taking the photos of you drinking two margaritas at once in your bathtub.

FbGirl:"Some people are just creepy. I just got a message from a man who looks like he's 40 saying I am the girl of his dreams. Gross!"

Double gross! Why would a photo of you blowing a kiss with your hair in pig-tails dressed in a school girl outfit make a creepy man dream about you? Ick!

FbGirl: "You gotta be pretty obsessed with yourself to have an entire album of just you."

Just when I think you won't give me anymore you throw something like this out.