Zanny the Nanny

Sadly, all good things must come to an end, including a fun filled week at Walden's Summer Camp for girls. I certainly enjoyed myself, but by the end Lindsey Lohan's shenanigans were just too much. Does she have a twin? Doesn't she? Does she? Why was she constantly playing practical "jokes" on me? Placing cocaine in my jeans and then wearing them only to say "they weren't her jeans," stealing my jewelry, trying to get my bunkmates to jump in the lake naked with her. The final straw was definitely the hot tar and feather incident, but don't worry, I gave her a good curb stomping to even it up.

But enough fun, it's time to head back to the real world. I feel like I've been in a time warp for the past week. I even heard a rumor that the Casey Anthony trial came to a close. I haven't heard the final decision, but I can only assume Casey was presumed innocent. If there is anything just in our world that poor, sweet, monkey looking, woman better be let off. All the facts are there. She was partying when her daughter was "missing" because she was distraught, obviously. She lied to the cops because she forget that she didn't actually work at Universal, but visited there once and got confused what the difference is between visiting and working somewhere. It happens to all of us. And her car trunk smelled so bad because she left old beach towels in there (from her vacation to Universal.) If I had a dollar for every time I took out an old, wet beach towel from my trunk and thought, whoa this smells like a decomposing three year old, I'd have enough money to get a beautiful tattoo that says "Bella Vida" on my back. But I think we know who is at the root of all this: Zanny the Nanny, those words alone just reek of evil. She's a nasty old lady who speaks only in rhyme and flies from home to home with the aid of her umbrella, abducting children one at a time. She lures them first with the idea of getting away from their abandoning, slutty, single mom's who would prefer to not have children anyway, and then she steals them away forever and ever to her cottage made of Pop Rocks and Fun Dips buried deep in the forest. She's a sick woman that Zanny. And who is left to grieve? Sweet Casey. The lady whose hair grows magically fast and whose sloped nose, pug lips, and dumbo ears look strikingly similar to a Mickey Mouse character. Why the jury is wasting their time blaming an innocent woman while Zanny the Nanny is still on the loose is beyond me. Let’s start a manhunt already! A witch hunt! We need to check every rabbit hole, lily pad, and mountain rainbow until we find Zanny. We’ve wasted enough time already on these silly accusations about Casey table dancing a week after her daughter disappeared, or her lying to cops about where to look for Caylee, or about googling “how to kill your daughter and get away it” and “tattoo parlors open past 11:oo p.m.” in the same day. None of this matters. What matters is the truth. Zanny the Nanny must be found so the grieving mother who loved her daughter so much she virtually gave her the same name with the exception of one letter can have some justice. And now I’ve gone off on a tangent, whimsical child-killing-nannies always get my blood boiling.

Speaking of good mothers though, a little birdy told me the ODBs are back! The original teen moms and their Old Dirty Babies. Woo hoo! I’ve been waiting for my girls to come back since MTV took them off. When I saw a preview last week I literally got butterflies thinking about getting to see Catelynn and Tyler again! And maybe even that dreamboat RYAN! I read in US magazine that Amber is taking some time off in a rehab clinic in Malibu. I always took Amber for more of a Malibu gal anyway, she just has that look. And her little Leah has grown into a beautiful white trash toddler, she looks like a young Joe Dirt. I will also be anxious to see Farrah’s boob job this season and what celebrity endeavor she will be undertaking. Farrah and Macy are definitely the Laurens and Kristens of the Teen Moms. They’re going places.

As for me, well I’m heading back to my life in Chicago. Anybody know of someone hiring around here? I’ve got a background in knife skills and humiliating teenagers, I don’t work well with authority, and I’ll need one month off at Christmas and all of May, June, July and August. Get back to me.