As in my dad. As in the guy who taught me that just because "Washington" doesn't have an "R" in it doesn't mean you still can't pronounce it Warshington... As in the guy from which I inherited my love for Bloody Mary's.
And the guy from which I obviously get my light locks. And big ears...
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The Top Ten Things I've Learned From My Dad
1. Always hold your car door!
This is crucial! If you feel even the slightest ounce of wind, hell even if it's not windy at all just hold the damn door. Rather be safe than sorry. Because the moment you forget to "hold your door!" it will fly off. And it will probably fly into another persons car in which case you will be at fault. I can't stress this one enough. And while we're talking about car doors make sure to never slam the damn door either.
2. For God's sake don't touch the thermostat.
There is never a reason good enough that will justify this action. Do you know how much money it costs to heat an old house? It's millions. In the winter put more blankets on the bed, in the summer sleep on the floor. Warm air rises, everybody knows this.
3. If you run a small business never honk or flip someone off in town.
Feel free to scream as many obscenities and throw the middle finger below the steering wheel in the safety of your own car, but you can't risk letting the person in the opposing car know your anger. What if they're a client?
4. When in doubt, leave the football stadium early.
Nobody likes to get caught in the hustle and bustle of the crowd. So always leave a game early. Doesn't matter how close the game is, the end can always be caught on the radio.
5. A bottle of red wine a night is good for the heart.
Read the statistics, doctors agree. And like vitamins, the more you drink the better it is for you. And concerning alcohol in general, remember that on vacation there are no rules or "social guidelines" for drinking. A drink is completely acceptable at any time of the day, all day. And a "vacation" classifies any place where your house isn't.
6. Never trust a blinker!
Do you think the insurance agency will have any sympathy if you tell them you pulled out because the car had their blinker on? Well they won't. NEVER TRUST A BLINKER.
7. Nebraska football coaches are the only style icons worth knowing.
Need I say more?
8. Always squeeze toothpaste from the bottom of the tube.
This isn't difficult, people. There is always more toothpaste at the bottom. Save yourself the agony towards the end and just be consistent with this. It's not a habit, it's a lifestyle.
9. Be weary of "glare ice" in the winter.
Don't know what glare ice is? Well it's the worst kind of ice on the roads possible. It's like a mixture of black ice and scary ice and invisible ice. It WILL sneak up on you and it will cause you to lose control.
10. Last, but probably the most important of all-
You will always miss 100% of the shots you don't take. Especially if it's the 1975 game against Columbus and you sink a shot from before half court. It happens, we've got the film spool to prove it.
And one more thing, everything happens for a reason.
