LFM #5- Dear Robbers

Dear Robbers,

I just wanted to thank you for choosing to rob the 3rd floor of the house Chris and I occupy, rather than the first floor (where Chris and I live) on Saturday night. We were both were so hungover, laying on the couch in food comas watching a little SNL, so a robbery would have been just the thing to ruin our wonderful night in. And stealing laptops? That’s just mean. Especially for someone like myself, who is an arteest. I have at least 15 different novels and screenplays started on my dear Mac Air, which I would obviously be devastated for anyone to uncover and then most likely sell under your own name. So again, thank you for sparing us.

But now that I’ve addressed that, I’ve got another little message for you. I don't know who you are and I don't know what you want. If you are looking for more than laptops, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career at summer camp. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. I have set up booby traps throughout the house that make even Kevin McCallister look like an amateur. Tar, tacks, super glue, gasoline, feather, honey, acid, dieter’s tea, it’s all there. And unlike Lindsay Lohan’s evil twin, I’ll finish you off with a single match. There will be no double feature. And don’t even get me started on the guard dog in our house. Harlow doesn’t just “high five” on command, he kills. And sometimes he sits too.

Consider this a warning. Good luck.

Sincerely,

Tenant 1