I know you probably get asked this all of the time and are super annoyed with the question but I just gotta know, why Chicago? It’s 20 degrees outside today, the wind is blowing off of the lake, I mean it’s pretty shitty out. But what am I saying, you already know this, right? You spend a large majority of your day outside I presume. So what’s keeping you here? Every time I see you guys on my way to work in the morning I can’t help but wonder why you haven’t hightailed it to the South yet. Shoot, that was kind of prejudice the way I said “you guys.” I just meant you homeless people is all.
So what’s keeping you here? I know the summers are awesome, that’s what Chicagoans pride themselves on, but are they really worth the heinous winters where you have to sleep on the freezing ground with your saliva and snot glued to your beard full of food crumbs? I guess at least in the winter you can pull food from your chin and know it’s still okay to eat (you know because it’s been frozen and all.) Do you have family in the area? Do you like the night life or the museums? Just trying to understand why I see so many homies in freezing cities.
Ever thought of Arizona? It’s nice there all year round. Sure, it’s not Chicago, and all of the other homeless people are probably much tanner and have had a lot more work done, but I think you could get used to it there. I won’t believe you haven’t panhandled enough to afford a one way ticket there. Especially with all of those clever signs you’ve had lately about being a former ninja, trying to get on a reality show, and my favorite “I just want a blunt to warm up.” You might not be able to afford a plane ticket, but my friend’s Brittany and Mandi tell me that Super Shuttle is a great way to travel. Real classy, too.
But I’m prying. I’m sure you’ve got your reasons for sticking around and it’s really none of my business. Speaking of business, I’m surprised none of you have gone into the cardboard business yet. Talk about a one stop shop material: walls/floors/toilets/blankets/billboards/roof/chair/bed/twistermat/breakdancing stage/magician office/personal billboard.
You know what, the more I think about it you’re not homeless at all. You actually have homes all over the city in various bridges and parking garages and doorways. I’d say you’re more like homeplus. And home is where you make it, everybody knows that. And you like to see homos naked.
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