Bach Edish-Dance Sexy for Us.

Two episodes in and Apollo is starting to grow on me. I think it was the home videos that got me. Talk about a cheap move, I knew I'd feel like an asshole for making fun of him for crying already. That was such bullshit, ABC. I don't even know this guy and I was struggling to fight back tears watching old footage of his diceased father. Really bringing out the big guns with the dead parents already.I just think it was a little too much, too soon. Perhaps it could have waited until like the third or fourth date. Talk about buzz kill on the first.

Having a first date captured on camera might be my worst nightmare ever. Luckily, I've only had to go on one first date, and thanks to the fact El Potreo didn't care about fake ID's, I managed to live through it. But all of the embarrassing flirty banter and stupid cutesy things (walking down a street pretending to do a baton routine) a couple does when they're first getting to know each other is just humiliating and sickening to watch. At the time you tell yourself it's okay and normal because you're "caught in the moment," but it's not. Because you're batting your eyes and giggling like a child on nitrous oxide on National TV. But all in all, I like Kacie, Rachel Green haircut and all.

And then we move on to the first group date. This is always a very painful and awkward experience. It's as awkward as hearing someone still say the phrase "winning..." Throw in the Gosselin kids writing a play and telling the girls to do perverted things on stage and it's about to get even more uncomfortable. I don't know what was with that little Asian sex feign in the front row, but she was taking things to an entirely inappropriate level. "Dance sexy for us!" she encouraged as she proceeded to hoot and holler. Daddy has some explaining to do with this one. No wonder Asians always wants to toss their girl babies into the river, they're born with Geisha in their blood.

The so called "writing" done by these children was absolutely pathetic. They have a long road ahead of them if they're seriously considering a career in playwriting. How could they possibly explain having an ensemble of characters on stage ranging from the Ginger Bread Man to a Dragon to a Hippy? C'mon, get some consistency. And just for the record, I always thought that when you crossed a Ginger Bread with a Hooker you got a Lohan. Not a Blakely?

When you close your eyes and listen to Blakely talk you hear Miley Cyrus. And when you open your eyes and look at Blakely you get the runner up from the Ms. South Carolina Tranny Pageant 2010. But it's okay, she's a VIP bartender. Not just anyone gets that title in South Carolina. You have to wear really long earrings and have Mr. Ed/Hilary Duff teeth. I like her though. She's cute and sensitive and reminds me of a sweet little baby mouse the way she likes to curl up in the corner of a luggage room.

And the other girl to get the rose early was Selena Gomez/Courtney. Woowee this girl is purty. She's going to have Jo Jonas wrapped around her tiny finger in no time the way she's constantly talking in a low hushed voice with a hint of a lisp, always shrugging her shoulders, and constantly keeping her little hands tucked into her long sleeved shirts. She's got the cute-insecure thing down to a science. But she scares the shit out of me. I see real evil in this girl. I also see a history of an obese childhood. She's got chubby knees that are constantly begging to gravitate inward in a V like motion. Give it a look next time and you'll understand.

Then we have to waste more time at the pool and listen to all of the girls who aren't getting enough attention bitch and moan before we can get to the rose ceremony. Boo whoo whoo. Samantha was completely dramatic about Blakely being a ho. Yo Sam, maybe if you blew your nose and took a dose of nasalnex Ben might talk to you for a few more seconds. Sam and her crony, Jaclyn, need to chill. Like geesh Jaclyn, you've had your time to shine. Like with Jake, when you were Vienna, and again in the movie a Night in Paris, when your nose played Paris Hilton's nose. Let someone else have the spotlight for once.

FInally it was time for the rose ceremony. As I was watching Ben hand out the roses to each lucky girl I couldn't help but notice the looks on the faces of every other girl not so lucky. I could literally see the crazy wheel turning in their mind as their eyes started to bulge and their mouths started to quiver. Can you even imagine the terrible thoughts going through their poor little heads as they started to realize they weren't going to get a rose? Well...I could, and here's just a brief five second list of what I came up with in between roses.

"No. Why. I'm fat. What's wrong with me. I'm going to die alone. Oh God. This is on TV. I'm fat. I want to crawl into a hole. My mom is such a bitch for making me come on here. I told her I shouldn't have. I want to die. I want him to die. Everyone needs to die. I'm never going to eat again. I want nachos. No one loves me. I'm alone. I hate myself. I hate him. Kill me. I should have stayed with my high school boyfriend. I'll Facebook him. I just wanted love. No one loves me. I knew I should have made him love me. My insides are dying. I'm going to have to freeze my eggs. Maybe I am lesbian. I like softball. Kill me. Bullshit. I'm hungry. I'm not going to cry. I'm crying. Snot is dripping. Dead. Skinny. Taco Bell."

Just a silly thought.

The only girl, I mean guy?, I was sad to see leave was Jenna. She was just so entertaining, I was literally on pins and heroine needles every time she opened her mouth to ramble off something sure to make no sense at all. Maybe she was just constantly having mini strokes every time she talked? Whatever the reason, she was a hoot. I wish her the best of luck with her blogging career!

And that's my recap of episode two. What oh what will next week bring..