Diary of a wimpy bitch.

A wise man once said, "I'm not unemployed. I'm Kenny Powers." Unfortunately, I am unemployed, and I'm not Kenny Powers. Times are getting real rough around here. It's weird not having an income. I can't buy the simple things I long to buy, like fall decorated paper towels, or fall scented candles. I'm finding I have to be creative in order to have the things I want, but the white napkins that I drew pumpkins on with an orange Sharpie just don't look as good as I pictured they would... Grocery shopping sure isn't fun on a budget, either. I like to buy a lot of stupid shit like fruit snacks and mini chip packs, but of course those were the first things to go. I don't care what anybody says, Gushers just can't be imitated. The cheap fruit snacks I bought just taste, well cheap. For the past five days I've been living off of cans of tuna that my mom bought me at Costco like five months ago, and eggs. Not together, well sometimes, but I figured out real fast that eggs and tuna aren't a good combination. I gathered up all of my coins and took them to the bank so I would be able to do laundry (buy scratch tickets) but the stupid bank by my house doesn't even have a coin counting machine so the bank teller expected me to count all of the coins with him. Puhlease. I'm unemployed, not stupid. I don't have time for such silly things as coin counting. I took my plastic bag with me and left. Am I really supposed to believe I am the only person in Chicago who still brings in coins to turn into cash? Doubtful. But it does put things at a new low when you can't even get money for your pennies anymore.



Until... I got three phone calls. Yes, the above paragraph was wrote this morning when I was feeling down and out. And then out of nowhere I got three little calls, for three little interviews. The first call was from a French family seeking a nanny for their large home in downtown Chicago. Yes, I put my name on a nanny website. Yes, I don't like children, but I figured I could fake it for a while. I was partially excited about this call, but still a little hesitant given my history with trying to be a nanny (for three days.) But working for a French family sounds so illusive and exotic, and I do love crepes! So I agreed to meet the family and their French speaking children. The next call was even better, it was for an interview to be an account executive for a company that is based out of the Hancock building. As in Herbie Hancock. As in I will be working very close to the lake, and even closer to Chris! Hello to happy hours again and feeling like a big city girl working in the cool old building where I hear my heels click down the hall and pretend that I'm Meryl Streep from the Devil Wears Prada and the reason no one is around is because they all heard I was coming and they scattered. Not that I ever think silly things like this when I'm alone in a hallway... And finally, the last call was the best of all. It was Tory Burch herself, calling to ask me to work for her. And by this I mean it was the manager of her boutique downtown, but it might as well have been her because I was that excited. I've always dreamt of being a shoe salesman just like Al Bundy. But I wouldn't be just any shoe salesman, I'd be selling Tory's! Which would mean I would be getting an employee discount. Just the thought makes me gitty.



I went from scrounging through cans of tuna to being offered three interviews. A nanny to foreigners, an account exec, and a shoe salesman. Times are looking up here in Chicago for this old broad. Although they are just interviews, not offers. So I realize I'm taking a real leap here by even mentioning them, don't want to get ahead of myself or anything. Only time will tell. Let's just hope in a few days I don't have to post "I didn't get the job!" as my status. Because everybody knows Facebook is the first person you have to tell with any and all job announcements, it's just the way it goes. Same with pregnancy, in fact, the other day I saw a pregnancy piss-stick mobile upload as a "we're having a baby" announcement. So I guess we've officially taken it to that level now. Some day I bet Zuckerberg will be able to figure out a notification that lets know you're pregnant before you even know... Like the Burger King kids club always say, 'hey, it could happen."