Our Country Tis of Thee, Sweet Land of Binge Drinking.

And the everlasting 4th of July weekend has come to a close. It was our 235th Independence holiday celebration I’m told. I like to picture our Founding Fathers, George Washington, James Madison, Benjamin Franklin and Carl Pelini sitting around smoking cigars reflecting on what it is they just accomplished. They surely had to realize the hugeness of it all. How in years to come, thanks to them, their great, great, great x100 grandchildren would now have an even better reason to binge drink and eat for days on end. We would spend thousands of dollars emulating the same bright explosions that killed so many people, but instead we would turn the explosions into pretty heart designs and crackling stars. Separating ourselves from the Brits would mark the end of not only bad teeth and well mannered accents, but it would mark the beginning of a holiday devoted entirely to outdoor activities requiring a beer in hand no matter what time of day. I think our Fathers would be proud. How couldn’t they be? I saw so many acts of patriotism this week whether it was watching the fireworks in Fremont while the entire drunken Flynn boat yelled things like “Amurica!!! Shit ya!” “Get it!!!” “USA USA USA!” to Facebook statuses boasting how great how our country is and how happy everyone is to celebrate such a wonderful occasion in their little red, white and blue getups. What’s not to love about such a great country, we seriously are the best. It’s just what it is.

So how does one recover after such a wonderful time with friends and family? Well I don’t know about you, but I’m jetting off to the Hamptons to rejuvenate for the week. What? You’ve never been? It’s just gorgeous, I couldn’t imagine being anywhere else this time of year. I mean I’m assuming that’s how it will be, I haven’t actually arrived yet. I’m still enroute, I’m actually on the plane right now having arm battles with the woman next me. I realize our country is overweight, and it’s most likely a little worse today given the weekend we’ve just had, but if I can’t even type on my computer because my own arm is tucked so tightly to my side that’s just not fair. Arms a tough spot for ladies, we’ve all suffered from a bad case of fat-arm in pictures I understand this, but what grinds my chain is that this lady seems to expect that I just give up 20% of my seat to her. She hasn’t budged one inch since I’ve started slowly grinding my arm into hers. Same rules of roller coasters apply on planes, keep arms and legs in your own damn space at all times. Perhaps I should tell her she is more than welcome to relax onto my side as long as she offers to pay me 20% of my ticket. I don’t think that’s so out of line. I’d like to eat sausage and biscuits for breakfast every morning too, but I don’t, I eat Special K just to ensure I don’t invade anyone else’s space on an airplane. At least I know I can rely on the comedic Southwest flight attendants to keep me laughing the entire flight with their witty jokes and entertaining banter. “Get the oxygen mask for yourself first, and then choose your favorite child to do next.” Too funny! “Remove all small bags, purses and children from the front pockets.” He did it again! Children in the front pocket? Oh that’s too much. And my favorite, “let’s talk about swimwear,” as he starts talking about using the seat cushions as flotation devices. I’d sure love to see the jokes the flight attendants have for when we’re actually crashing, I bet that has to be some of their best material! “The good thing is we’re crashing into water, but the bad thing is fuel is leaking so chances are the plane will burn us all long before we land, but everybody loves to come home from vacay with a good crispy tan!” Oh Southwest, free baggage and free jokes.

So anyway, I think my favorite part of going to the Hamptons this week is being able to update my status as “Going to the Hamptons.” In the Midwest Facebook circuit, that’s just not a status we see a lot so I know it’s gonna be a real eye catcher. Almost as good as a Europe status. Loyal Facebook stalkers are immediately going to wonder why I am going, who I am going with, will I be “checking in” frequently and posting pics so ensure ample creeping time? You betcha! But the shitty part is that I already tried to post a status (obviously) but my janky cracked iphone just stopped half way through and went blank. In fear of posting the same status twice, which is like so embar, I haven’t been able to post. The only thing worse than posting twice is posting something spelled wrong the first time, and then having to correct it and post it again. Because once it’s on the mini feed everybody sees it, and you know they’re all laughing at you thinking, “that idiot just screwed up their status and had to post it again, what an idiot!” Or maybe that’s just me. But I assure you, that statuses will come, I am coming out here all alone so naturally I will have to turn to my online friends for social interaction/to boast about how cool it is wherever I go. You may remember a few months ago when I arrogantly posted about how “I got accepted into a screenwriting conference in NY!” Well this is that conference. For the next six days I will be surrounded by literary scholars like myself, spending all hours of the day learning about screenplays and writing screenplays. I will be using words like literary, emphasis, and synopsis. I am going to wear dark clothing and frequently quote people like Nathaniel Hawthorne, Virginia Woolf and Hilary Duff. This is going to be my chance to shine, to make up for all of those quiet years I spent sitting in the corner of my English classes too nervous to speak because of all the smug bastards in my classes at UNL who judged me for often coming to class hungover/still drunk and covered in sorority letters. Well forget them. If I know anything about East Coast people they’re not judgmental or smug. Not one bit. I plan on coming home with at least ten new pen pals from the Hamptons this week. Yup, ten pen pals and a contract with a someone who has a lot of money who would like to pay me to write movies for them. I’m not sure at this point which will be harder to attain. Believe it or not, I tend to get a little “shy” when I meet new people in an unfamiliar place, and in a sober environment. But I am going to try my best to break out of this shell.

Well, just got the announcement it’s time to turn off all electronics. I would sure hate to be the person responsible for causing the plane to crash on account of my Mac. Those damn electronics and their terrorist like ways. See you in the Hamptons, Facebook.