My bitch is having twins!

I found out some big news today via Facebook (shocker.) Anything not on Facebook isn't really news today if you ask me though. I woke up around 11:00 a.m. Let me just say that I'm not a big sleeper-inner. I don't care for it. Sleeping past 9:00 a.m. usually makes me feel worthless. It's not that I'm active in the mornings or anything I just prefer a nice cup of joe, a good bowl or two of cereal and the Today Show. But since moving into our garden level apartment, it feels like its 3:00 a.m. when it's oops already 11:00 a.m. I seriously hate it, but I can't help it. I just always make sure to ask myself "are you sleeping in because it feels good, or because you feel like you have to wind yourself up for the day?" I think monthly self depression exams are as important as monthly self breast exams. So far it's just been because it feels good, I mean the sleeping in part, not the self breast exam. So anyway, naturally the first thing I do upon waking up is check Fb. See what's goin on with my friends in the world. Who hates work today, who wishes it was Friday, who is going to CWS and then to my surprise my mom's status reads:

"My baby is having twins!"

Shit, I am? No... That can't be right. But last I checked I was her youngest i.e. baby? What rumors is my mom starting I wonder. She's friends with a lot of Norfolk peeps. I don't need them thinking I'm a lesbian and a single mother of twins. But then again, Jade's always been a little more babyish, so Jade's having twins? WTF? And I find out on Facebook? But ewww.. Jordan's the princess of the family so it must be him. God help that mom I think to myself. Mind you this is all going through my head in a matter of like three seconds. So after about the fourth second I come to the only logical conclusion that Izzy, our Yorkie is having twins. My mom and I share custody of Izzy, so she is technically ours, but she's been with my mom for the most part lately. And still I think, WTF I find this out on Facebook? My bitch is having babies?! This is big money! I mean news! Big news. A teacup Yorkie in Chicago goes for around $3000. And Izzy is as small as it gets, a little under 4 lbs. I called my mom right away to get to the bottom of it. As it turns out, my mom has promised the dad owner one puppy, and then obviously my mom will keep or sell one puppy. I suppose the dad does deserve something, but $3000 worth of puppy seems quite generous. I can't believe the dad even cares about the puppy, anyway. Has he called Izzy since the humping? Or texted or sent a Fb message? Nope. But she's the one who will probably lose her four pound figure for the rest of her life having to deliver two little barbecue weenys sans the barbecue sauce. But whatevs, it's a dog eat dog-sack world out there.

I'm just excited I get to be home for the birth on July 1st. I haven't been around for a good ol birthing since Knox. Boy oh boy was that an experience. I'm just now barely able to look Jade in the eye. I didn't watch of course, but I heard enough. Granted an animal birth is slightly different from human, unless of course you live in one of those Indian countries and still choose to eat the placenta. Mmmm nothing like a good pot of placenta to warm you up on a chilly day. I remember the day my cat, Skittles, had her babies under my bed- on my favorite Sesame Street sleeping bag I might add. My mom finally made me throw that sleeping bag away after too many friends' parents complained about me bringing it to their sleep overs, apparently it caused their dogs to go a little nuts. I don't remember, it was dumb. But anyway, I recall taking a peak under my bed to see what all the commotion was about but as soon as I saw Skittles eating something slimy off the kittens I had to look away. I love breakfast sausage too much to be ruined of it for life just because I watched a cat eat the birth sack. That sounds like a funny bumper sticker "I'd rather be watching a cat eat a birth sack." Yeah, maybe not.

Raising those six little Siamese kittens was one of the best times of my life. I felt like Mama Duggar caring for my babies. I wonder if there is such thing as wet nurses for animals? I would never do it, but I just wonder. I'll just put that job on my "maybe" list for now alongside the person who holds signs on street corners and dances while dressed like the Statue of Liberty or a giant jalapeno.

So speaking of CWS, is that this weekend already? I'm just so behind on anything Nebraska since I live in Chicago now... Seriously though can we start with the braggy CWS statuses already so I can live vicariously through them on FB? I mean I'm gonna have a killer weekend in Chicago obviously, but I'd still like a little 411 about Paulies, Barretts, TGIFridays the usual hot spots. I'll be hitting up those places next weekend when I'm back fo sho. So get at me. XoXo Gossip Girl.