Kate and Willy

So I just wanted to clarify real quick that I'm not a lesbian, nor have I ever been one, or ever had confused thoughts thinking I was. I can understand the confusion given one of my recent blogs from last week, and also because I know I often write a lot of bull shit on here, but just to clear things up, I'm not a dyke. So you can imagine my confusion last weekend in Norfolk when one of my mom's friends gave me a comforting hug and told me how proud she was of me for "being so comfortable in my own skin." I looked to my mom like "what the hell" and she just gave me a puzzled expression. So I smiled back and said something along the lines of, "yeah, I am who I am." And she responded encouragingly, "you sure are. Good for you!" Well, after a little discussion with my mom and Jade I found out that those two went to lunch with said friend, and told her about my blog and casually mentioned the lesbian line and somewhere in between the girly chit chat it must not have been mentioned I was kidding. Long story short, the mom connection in all of Norfolk probably thinks I live in Topeka so I can be "out and proud" without the Norfolk judgment. And when they I hear I'm dating someone named "Chris" well you tell me what they might think. Chris and Taylor, two lesbians made for each other, our gay couple friends are the cute queers named Zach and Tyeler. But it's not that I don't like lezzys, I think they're great, they make killer PE teachers and coaches. And those new artsy ones are cool too. It's just not the Norah Jones lifestyle for me.

Now that I've got that cleared up, let's talk about more important things. Like President Obama's birf certificate... At least it will clear one thing up for my friend Steph Pohlman, that Obama's first name is indeed Barack, and not Brock, as she previously thought. But is it real? Does it even matter? I mean of course it does, but he's the president of the United States, if he can't get a legit looking fake certificate then the world of fake ID's as we know it is doomed. I just don't get why he waited so long to bring it out and then BAM all of the sudden decides to show it one day. Maybe he just couldn't find it? I know I always have the darndest time finding things like my passport or social security card when I need them, a birth certificate would be just as difficult I bet. And you know it's always in the last place you look... Which seems fitting, I guess I probably wouldn't keep looking after I found it. Of course Trump is claiming this is all his doing, that he is the force behind what finally got Brock to show it to the press. Oh Trump. Imagine a country ran by this douche. Gold floors and Flock of Seagulls haircuts for all! I'll take another Bush over this guy anyday... And I mean like from the Bush family, don't want any lesbian confusion here. But for real if I had to choose right now someone to be our next president I would choose...I would choose... Sure wish I knew more about politics so I could make up even one name right now. Michael Douglas. And Annette Bening as his wife. Or Carl Pelini.

Speaking of royalty. Tomorrow is the big day. It's here. It's finally here. Are you getting up to watch it? Am I? Hells no. I could barely sit through my sister's catholic wedding, why one earth would I sit through one I wasn't even officially invited to. It's DVR'd though, don't get me wrong. Because I do have a few curiosities. Like will everyone in attendance take communion? Because that will take forever. And what about church wine? Will everyone drink from the same glass like we do at most Catholic churches when the Priest just barely wipes the slobber away between each person? I don't care if it's the blood of Christ, I don't want the spit of the person in front of me in my mouth.

The only thing I really care about is Kate's dress. All the magazines keep saying she is going for something simple, so perhaps David's Bridal might be the designer of choice? Maybe Burlington Coat Factory if she's really trying to appeal to the common folk, they have dresses now you know. I heard some people talking about it at Big Lots. Regardless, I can only imagine how amazing the whole thing will be. It will be the first royal wedding I've ever seen, well that's not entirely true, I guess I did get to see a little tid bit of Prince Akeem's wedding when he married Lisa McDowell. So if tomorrow is anything like that 1988 wedding we are all in for a show.