Saved By the Bell

As it turns out, Emporia is the Lexington of Kansas, if you catch my drift compadre. I was immediately informed of this as I was walking into the high school and passed several groups of “eses” who called my way,

“Hey chicka! You wanna come cook for me sometime?”

“Ooooh senorita, I can make some spicy enchiladasss.”

Ext, and so fourth. I gave them my traditional faux sign language hello to let know them I was a deaf chef. I tell you what, each place I have been this week makes Peker look better and better. Nobody told me western Kansas is the new Mexico. But the day just gets better. So much better, this next part is almost too much.
So students are filing into the classroom after the first bell. I hear a female student say to no one in particular,

“Ugh, I’ve been nauseous like every morning this week.”

Well, I didn’t want to be the one to bust this girl’s bubble and tell her some would argue this as a common first sign of pregnancy. But when I looked up and saw who was speaking I ruled this out almost immediately. Picture Whitey from Me, Myself and Irene. Then add some longer curly white hair, and give or take 100 pounds. We’ll call her Whitey Jr.

So I’m at the part in my demonstration when I add dried chili peppers. Whitey Jr. announces once again, to no one,

“I can’t eat spicy food.”

Naturally, I don’t respond. I never respond to comments like this. What do students expect, I’m just going to change my demo recipe for one picky kid? No. It’s the same students who usually taste a bite of what I make and immediately say very loud for all to hear,

“This is like freaking nasty. Omg.” And it’s so obvious they say it because they think it like hurts my feelings or something. Guess what? It doesn’t! It just triggers my pissed off-o-meter is what it does. Anyway back to Whitey Jr. She wants to offer more information is seems,

“I can’t eat it because I’m pregnant.”

Well I’ll be damned. I didn’t see this turn of events coming. So now I give her a double take and wonder who in the hell is responsible for this catastrophe. I’m finishing up with the demo and feel Whitey Jr. creeping on me. Oh great, I think, this is going to be interesting. She starts with,

“I have kind of a personal question I need to ask you.”
No. Please don’t.

“Uh huh.” I respond extremely hesitantly.

“Well see my brother used to go to your culinary school,”

Okay, it’s not as bad as I thought. She continued,

“But then he burnt to death in a fire. So my dad told me to ask you if we need to send back his knife kit.”

Then again.

“Oh my gosh, that is awful. I am so sorry to hear that. I’m not positive, but I’m gona go ahead and say that you don’t need to worry about his knife kit, you have much more important things to worry about I bet.”

“Okay, good. Because most of the knives kind of melted together anyway. But my dad said I better check with you anyway so you don't like start coming after us to get the kit back.”

“I appreciate it, but no, you’re fine, there will be no culinary instructors looking for your family. Is that all you need?”

Why did I even ask. I could see her searching her feeble brain to conjure of more questions just to loiter around me.

“Umm, well, ya. What programs would you think would be easiest for me to study when I graduate, being a young mother and all?”

Hmm. Well Farrah studies culinary and seems to like it. And I think Macy studies advertising. Let’s see… I believe Catelyn is still finishing up her GED yet, so I think one of the two I listed above would probably be the best. I mean what better success stories than those girls? Luckily, I was saved by the bell (insert intro song along with neon colored crazy designs and icecream /sunglasses/ sneakers/ skateboard images),and the teacher intervened and told Whitey Jr. it was time to go. Close call. I've got no advice for teen moms. My only advice is for those who aren't teen moms, and to those I would say go get yourself knocked up so you can get on MTV and be on US, Ok!, and People every other week. Maybe even land yourself a spot on Dancing with the Stars. Our nation loves teen pregnancy more than Jaycee Duggard. And that's my 2 cents on that.