Why don't I remember clips of other bachelors working out/showering
at the beginning of each episode like we so frequently see of Shawn?
Because I don't know about you, but I would have loved to see these same shots
of that old sexy beast bachelor, Ben.
Tonight's episode also marked the first appearance of my all time favorite cast member.
Helicopter.
Which means it must be time for one-on-one dates to begin.
And the first one-on-one goes to....
Sarah.
disclaimer: when it comes to The Bachelor, I am an equal opportunity insulter.
I don't hold back based on race, gender, hair color, or lack of limbs.
Sarah: the beautiful one-armed blonde girl who can do anything.
Except zip line.
But according to her dad, that's why she's here.
To find a great man to help her face the challenges of not being able to zip line.
But damn it she can jump off a building! That's more than I've done.
I think Sarah's okay, but I'm just not a huge fan...
I find her super whiney.
If you close your eyes, it actually sounds like Kourtney Kardashian is talking.
Then there's the
group date.
Cowboys vs Vampires.
With a few trannys mixed in.
And the crazy-as-shit award for this date goes to...
Kristy.
She was just a little too excited that this modeling date was all about "her occupation."
Perhaps I would have more respect for her if her trade involved something like creating electricity,
running a 10K, or doing magic tricks.
You know, something that involves real talent.
But it's modeling, Kristy. Which means you're good at smiling. So kudos for that.
That being said,
I am still happy to see that you've made the transition from Amish life
to Bachelor life quite nicely.
You know who I kinda really like though?
Leslie.
She's like that monotone down-to-earth bisexual bestfriend I never had.
I feel like we could throw back a few beers together after a softball league game.
And I like that.
Was anyone else happy to see Kacie I-forgot-my-flat-iron back in action tonight?
Looking good soul sista. Let the frizz fly free!
Speaking of hair, I about died when during the photo shoot,
Katie said "I look like I'm going to a 1980's prom."
As opposed to...
And then boom she pulled the "I quit" card and got right back into her DeLorean
and is doing great once again in 1984.
But how funny was that trick everyone pulled on Desiree at the art gallery?
By golly gee that Shawn is such a prankster!
Who writes this stuff is what I want to know?
I wonder if they hold writing contests at elementary schools across the nation to get their ideas.
I like Des, but she definitely reminds me of someone.
I can't quite put my finger on who, but it will come to me.
A Disney actress perhaps? Or maybe a removed cast member of Hang Time or One World.
I also noticed Tierra's stripper upbringing is really starting to shine.
I've got a feeling she can get quite nasty under all of that foundation and glitter.
She strikes me as the type who would watch Shawn while he sleeps.
Then again, Shawn strikes me as the type who would like to be watched in his sleep.
Bottom line,
I would trust this girl only as far as you could throw her hoop earring.
And then the rose ceremony happened and a bunch of girls I didn't know were sent home.
Pretty anti climatic.
We need the Courtneys and Rozlyns to come out of their shell already and mix some shit up
because I'm getting bored.
Until next week, bachelor friends.
at the beginning of each episode like we so frequently see of Shawn?
Because I don't know about you, but I would have loved to see these same shots
of that old sexy beast bachelor, Ben.
Tonight's episode also marked the first appearance of my all time favorite cast member.
Helicopter.
Which means it must be time for one-on-one dates to begin.
And the first one-on-one goes to....
Sarah.
I don't hold back based on race, gender, hair color, or lack of limbs.
Sarah: the beautiful one-armed blonde girl who can do anything.
Except zip line.
But according to her dad, that's why she's here.
To find a great man to help her face the challenges of not being able to zip line.
But damn it she can jump off a building! That's more than I've done.
I think Sarah's okay, but I'm just not a huge fan...
I find her super whiney.
If you close your eyes, it actually sounds like Kourtney Kardashian is talking.
Then there's the
group date.
With a few trannys mixed in.
And the crazy-as-shit award for this date goes to...
Kristy.
She was just a little too excited that this modeling date was all about "her occupation."
Perhaps I would have more respect for her if her trade involved something like creating electricity,
running a 10K, or doing magic tricks.
You know, something that involves real talent.
But it's modeling, Kristy. Which means you're good at smiling. So kudos for that.
That being said,
I am still happy to see that you've made the transition from Amish life
to Bachelor life quite nicely.
You know who I kinda really like though?
Leslie.
She's like that monotone down-to-earth bisexual bestfriend I never had.
I feel like we could throw back a few beers together after a softball league game.
And I like that.
Was anyone else happy to see Kacie I-forgot-my-flat-iron back in action tonight?
Looking good soul sista. Let the frizz fly free!
Speaking of hair, I about died when during the photo shoot,
Katie said "I look like I'm going to a 1980's prom."
As opposed to...
and is doing great once again in 1984.
But how funny was that trick everyone pulled on Desiree at the art gallery?
Who writes this stuff is what I want to know?
I wonder if they hold writing contests at elementary schools across the nation to get their ideas.
I like Des, but she definitely reminds me of someone.
I can't quite put my finger on who, but it will come to me.
A Disney actress perhaps? Or maybe a removed cast member of Hang Time or One World.
I also noticed Tierra's stripper upbringing is really starting to shine.
I've got a feeling she can get quite nasty under all of that foundation and glitter.
Then again, Shawn strikes me as the type who would like to be watched in his sleep.
Bottom line,
I would trust this girl only as far as you could throw her hoop earring.
And then the rose ceremony happened and a bunch of girls I didn't know were sent home.
Pretty anti climatic.
We need the Courtneys and Rozlyns to come out of their shell already and mix some shit up
because I'm getting bored.
