Dear Knox,
You're officially one year old today. I can hardly believe it. It seems like it was just yesterday we were having drinks and appetizers at Kona’s happy hour anxiously awaiting your arrival. And then around 8:45 p.m. you walked right out of Jade’s uterus and into the world with a smile on your face and Pumas on your feet. You probably don’t remember it, but you had an awesome Facebook day. I was pretty jealous, little did I know you’d go on to have an awesome Facebook year. You’re like that FbBaby I would normally despise because you’re always posting cute pics of yourself that are sure to get at least 1,000 notifications. But I don’t despise you at all… unless you start posting pics of yourself in the bathroom of a club- then we gotta talk.
But all jokes aside, how was your first year? I know it can be quite the adjustment from the womb and all, but after you get over that initial shock you’re not really a merman, it’s not that bad. And if you think it’s “bad,” well then you’ve got a long life ahead of you. I see how you spend your days. It’s a series of opening drawers, throwing everything within reach onto the ground and eating anything you can fit into your mouth. So really, our days are pretty similar. The only difference is you’re still in the glorious AWS (ass wiping stage.) Enjoy it. That’s how God let us humans know, as opposed to animals, that we’re supposed to care for our infants and elderly longer- He gave us butt cheeks. It’s going to be at least 90+ more years until you’re there again (hopefully.)
Really though, enjoy these next few years. It's pretty much all downhill after five. You'll have to start doing more and more shit for yourself all of the time. Gradually at first, like forging your parents signature on a homework slip or something, but then one day you'll turn around and it's your own signature you're forging. I can't tell you how often I've looked at you, all cozy in your fleece pi's in the middle of an afternoon, sucking back on a bottle, ordering Jade around all over the place, and I've wanted to trade places. Like wanted to more than I probably should have. Life is just a bowl of Cheerios right now for you. But before you know it, it will be a bunch of staffing calls. And unpaid bills. And landlords who tell you your dog can't take a piss on your own front yard. Kidding. You'll probably play college football and walk right into a cozy medical supply job or some weird investment only former college football players get to know about because old men are still obsessed with them, even in the business world (if all goes according to your mom's plan anyway... )
In the meantime, here's some advice someone told me on my first birthday.
The two most important things you need to master in the next five years will be gym class and lunch. Master these two and you're golden for the next 50. Learn to socialize and learn to run fast and the rest will fall into place.
And if that doesn't work out just call me, I'm not above insulting bully-children, especially if they're dicking you around. Never forget, it's a hard Knox life but you're harder. But right now you're all soft and cute so let's just keep it at that. Hope you have a wonderfully amazing first birthday enjoying all of your new toys. Like the bounce house, and trampoline, and tunnel, and ball pit. Like I said, times are good for you right now. I got a doll for my first birthday made by an orphan child in the village of Honolulu as that's where your lovely grandparents were vacationing the day I rang in my first birthday. I think I might have even made my own birthday cake that year, as well. But that's okay, it's all a part of the fun of being the youngest of three.
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| A few bday toys... |
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| And a few more. |
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| And one more. |
Talk to you soon, Knox. Happy 1st birthday. Maybe if you play your cards right you might have your own Facebook page by this time next year. I'll work on talking to your parents about this one.
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| My first birthday gift. I called her Maria. |
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