LFM #12 Dear Flight Attendant
Dear Southwest Flight Attendant, I'd just like to start off by saying thanks for all you do. I can't imagine a flight where you don't remind me to shove my purse completely under the seat in front, or to turn my phone off during takeoff, or hand me a delicious glass of ice with a splash of Sprite. And the "put the oxygen mask on yourself first, then choose your favorite child or husband next" joke? Classic! Never gets old. So please don't mind that now I have a few questions for you. In today's world we can watch movies in the air, stream any TV show, get wifi, it's all so amazing! So why no phone during takeoff/landing? If my one text message "where you at?" is going to send this entire magic machine that is called an airplane into the fritz, I think I'd like to get off now then please. What could be so dangerous about being on my phone when we're still taxiing on the ground? Or even when we're taxiing low in the air, moving at a turtle speed, waiting to get clearance to land? I've waited in the air so long before I think I actually saw a hot air balloon pass. It was either that or the fat Asian boy from Up floating by. And what's with the no seat reclining during landing? How about this, I'll respect your no reclining rule when airplane seatbelts finally get a little modern update and stop looking like the multicolor bottle top fashion belts we all knew and loved so much from 1995, and then maybe they'll actually serve a safety purpose. If we're about to crash land, well I want to at least enjoy the last few minutes of my life in comfort. Isn't it interesting how we've all just obeyed these rules for so many years but never thought to wonder why? The "all belongings must be stored completely under the seat in front of you" rule makes no sense to me. If I want to muddle my feet up with tons of shit stacked on them shouldn't that be my choice? I guess I'd just like an explanation is all. Is that so much to ask? Maybe it is. Here I am, flying in the air, basically time traveling, and I'm complaining that I have to stop creeping Facebook ten minutes sooner than I'd prefer. Yeah, I'm pretty pathetic. I can't imagine what my ancestors would think of a situation like this, "So you're telling me you're going to travel through the air, to get hundreds of miles away in under an hour? And you're mad you can't look at photos of people you pretty much don't even know but like to bitch about, anyway?" "Yes, yes great great grandma, that is correct. And I'd also just like to recline a little more, my legs are pretty cramped. And throw your purse on my feet, I've got a weird fetish of stacking shit on them." Our culture is awful. Maybe a good old fashioned Mayan wipeout is just what we need. Although, I won't be holding my breath even that will happen right on time. Have you ever been to Mexico? It's take them 45 minutes just to make a daiquiri and a bowl of guacamole. And look at that, I've gone off on one my more bizarre rants. Too much time in the air tends to have that affect on me... But solid plane ride, job well done Flight Attendant. Now let's Captain Sully this bad boy so I can get onto my day of galavanting around Omaha with my best pals. We've got places to shop and day drinks to be had.
