My first 25 year old panic attack?

Oh how time flys when you're busy degrading yourself in a new high school classroom day after day. Today I find myself in the exact same high school I was in one year ago today. I remembered just because I got a speeding ticket last year on the way so this year I was extra cautious. The funny thing is that I saw a car pulled over today in the exact spot I was pulled over at last year. I tried to look really close to see what kind of car it was pulled over, I had a creepy feeling it might be a Grey Camry, that like I was going to witness a weird time warp and see me sitting there. I know that makes no sense, but I thought it was too ironic the way it was anyway. I love to play the "one year ago today" game, it's when I pretend to tell myself from the past what I will be doing in one year. Would I have guessed last year that today I would be living in Peker still driving to new high schools selling my soul to the teenage devil everyday? Well, probably not. Even more fun (depressing) is to play the ten years ago game.

Me today: "Hey thirteen year old Taylor, where will you be in ten years?"

13 year old me: "Umm, well, I'll probably be in like California, or maybe New York (these two big cities are to Norfolk kids what being a doctor or lawyer is to ghetto kids) and maybe I'll be an actor, or maybe I'll like work for a fashion magazine, or like a lawyer. (I was also slightly ghetto, remember)

And then I probably arrogantly chomped my gum and said,

"but I'm like late for track practice, so is there anything else you want to tell me?"

Me today: "Yes, stop being such a little bitch because you are going to pay in ten years when you have to cater to little bitch students. Like seriously pay. And don't worry, you're not a lesbian, you're just gonna have to wait a while to find a guy that doesn't bug the shit out of you all the time. His name will be Chris."

And then my 13 year old self rolls her eyes, tosses her crimped hair to the side, and runs off to track practice.

Now let's go back to me as a senior in high school. I was probably sitting in class scribbling violent things into a creative writing journal I wrote in every day not paying attention to the poor guest speaker in class that day. I wasn't talking, but I wasn't listening either. I couldn't wait to leave high school, which again, is so ironic to me it's my job to go back. It was so lonely being popular.... Says the girl who got up for Prom, the last choice of them all. I can't even write that without chuckling, I wasn't a loser, but there sure seemed to be a lot of people who didn't like me. And the funny thing is that I went through a time (about a week right before Homecoming voting) when it bothered me that so many people thought I was "stuck up." Oh silly insecure me. Little did I know that all the douche bags were just as stuck up as me in their own ways. High school is just a huge cest pool of pathetic insecurities.

It only took me about 2 weeks to realize being insecure in high school is way too cliche so I went back to not giving a shit if people thought I was nice or mean. Just to clarify, I was never, NEVER, a bully. I actually have a real soft spot for the little freaks. If anything I was a bully to the bullys, and that's still what I try to do today.

But anyway, what ignited all of these thoughts today was a show that I saw on Oprah yesterday. She had the director of Liar Liar on, which I still believe is some of Carrey's best work, and he was talking about how the most important thing in life is that you find something to do that you absolutely love and are completely passionate about. Because if you don't, you will die a little everyday. I could not agree more. I die just a little bit every morning when I lace up my Chucks, put on my black pants, and button up my Chefs jacket and have to look myself in the mirror and think "what would 8 year old you think of this?" And I know the answer. Eight year old me would laugh her ass off. She'd think it was hilarious. Just to give you an idea of the type of intense little kid I was, I asked my dad to put me on a lifting regimen in first grade, I begged to take Creatine in second, by third grade I was involved in every athletic competition I could find. I would fall asleep at night listening to the sweet sound of Tony Robbins tapes, "Taking Control of Your Future." People say you are your own worst critic. Well younger me is the worst critic of all because she's a judgemental little snatch who has no idea of the real world and truly believes she's gonna do something that others will envy with her life. My biggest complaint from teachers from the time I was in Preschool up until high school was that I need to "SLOW DOWN." Well, right now I'm thinking it's time I need to speed up. No more of this jacking around in a chefs outfit. This summer I'm going to figure something out. Wow. I just realized how fitting this is, this seems to be my first 25 year old panic attack. I'm not even 24 yet, will be in less than a month, but it's already starting. Good. That means I'm starting to get back on track, already ahead of the game again. Okay this has been quite the rant. I think I need to chill out with a little Jay Z Hard Knock Life for a moment before I go back into the room. TGIT people. TGIT.