The Big Boy Theory.

So how about that rapture on Saturday? Or did you miss it too? Turns out we all missed it, well everybody except for the rapture king himself (no, not God) I mean good ol Pastor Camping, the guy who started all this mumbo jumbo. Nobody has seen the guy since May 20. Are we really supposed to believe he was the only guy pulled up to heaven on May 21? Doubtful, pretty sure I saw the Duggars are filming a new season. God would never leave that family behind, they're right up there with Kirk and Candace Cameron. But honestly I can't help but feel just a little bad for the Camping guy, he probably feels like a huge ass right now. That's one helluva prediction to screw up, bet the Mayans are getting a little nervous in their pants. They're probably all sitting around right now thinking they better to do some recalculations just to be on the safe side. Camping really beat those guys to the punch if you ask me. But I don't mind a good old fake rapture every once in a while and I'll tell you why, I woke up Saturday morning the happiest person in the world. I was happy as a clam just to be alive, I mean I think Heaven sounds great and all, but I'm moving to Chicago soon... So I could use at least a year or two more here. A joke apocalypse really puts things into perspective. Makes you appreciate the small things, like hell not freezing over. At least the whole Mayan thing is scientific and not religious based, everybody knows that science is a bunch of black magic and wizardy shit. So until my invite to Hogwarts comes again, I'm not even gonna fret about 12/21/2012 anymore than I did June 6, 1966.

So besides living through my first judgment day, I'm still right on track for having the sixth grade kinda summer I know and love so much. Sleeping in late, fake getting up by the time my dad gets home for lunch so I don't get yelled at for being lazy, then being as lazy as I want for the rest of the day. This summer's just a little different though because now there is a baby around. Knox is fun and all, but he's kind of a lot like a bulimic sorority girl which can get pretty annoying. For starters I can tell he always has food on his mind because he tries to suck on everything, and when he gets even a tiny bit hungry he gets super bitchy and freaks out til he gets fed, but then he binges for up to 45 minutes sometimes and almost immediately after he pukes it all up. And like a true bulimic he doesn't tell anyone, I'll just be holding him and he'll nonchalantly turn to the side and vomit everywhere without saying a word. Then he'll turn back to me and just smile like everything is normal. It's pretty gross. I just feel bad for my sister though, working so hard to make all of that milk only to have it all thrown up. It must be how Marge felt at Theta on most weekends. Who am I to judge though, we've all got our things.

All things aside Knox is a healthy strong baby boy, which is a good thing because Jade believes there is a surplus in baby boys right now because in 18 years they will be needed for war to fight in a Apocalypse (apparently God follows the U.S. military legal fighting age, as well.) But this is for real this time. I guess my family is just a bunch of doomsdayers huh? But anyway, Jade formed this theory all on her own based solely on her Facebook friends I believe and their constant "It's a boy!" status updates. But when I asked her which country we would be fighting, because it must be a country God does not like if he's giving just Americans the upper leg here, she responded with "Iraq." Of course. Those damn Muslims are the source of all evil. And God is also still a little bit sexist it seems if he's only birthing boys for the next 18 years to protect this good land of America. I guess we'll just have to wait and see on this theory.