I don't even know where to start with this one, last weekend was a real doozy.
Let's just say it all began with a nautical baby shower and ended with a bathroom on fire
and two boxes of pizza.
There may have been a few glasses of wine in between, as well.
And mimosas, and beers, and vodka. Just a few though.
The baby shower was for one of my oldest and dearest pal's, Mallory.
We used to hang out at pet shows and stuff back in the 90s.
We also had a Happy Meal club in our kindergarden days
and would meet every day for lunch in the Jazzercise playroom for fries and nuggets,
while our moms sashayed and lindy'd in their thong leotards.
It was good times back then.
We played all the cute preggo games you're supposed to play at showers such as,
measure Mal's belly, guess the name, and baby beer pong.
*Photos solen from Hostess Jennifer Jean
After shower number one, it was on to shower number two,
to celebrate bride-to-be, Codi.
At this point in the night things are going really good.
I was reunited with some friends I hadn't seen in years.
I think I had almost forgotten how fun it is to socialize with someone not named Harlow.
Well one thing led to another, and soon enough we became those cliche sorority sisters,
singing our old songs and chants.
You know, the type of shit that non-sorority people hate us for.
I know... I didn't see it coming either.
The funny thing is, I was reminded that I didn't know the words to the songs then,
and I still don't now.
But I could hum with the best of them.
It was somewhere in between singing our old dinner prayer, and hearing a story aboutFritzy our old housemom that angered me so bad I almost threw my beer on the ground,
when I should have switched to water.
But something about these girls just brings out the "Gumby" in me, so I switched to mixed drinks.
The party ended shortly after the shower for most of my sisters of love, friends of soul,
but a few of us decided to keep it going....
In hindsight, this wasn't the best idea.
Let's just say the night went from this-
to this-
real fast.
And this is the part where I struggle for words...
Between the hours of 12:00 a.m. and 3:00 a.m. there were events that took place that can never be spoken of again.
Here's what I can share.
Shortly before we were about to head downtown, we went to Sara's apartment to "freshen up."
At some point during this freshening up, it was necessary to move a candle into the bathroom.
You can use your imagination as to why.
We were finishing up our drinks when Sara suddenly said,
"you guys, do you smell something burning?"
Of course I thought Sara was having a heart attack, isn't this one of the first signs?
And I knew she had been so stressed with the shower and everything, it all made sense.
Well, Sara ran to the bathroom and when she opened the door flames burst out.
The towels, the rug, the sweatshirts hanging on the door, they were all on fire.
Sara flew into action and ran through the flames like a regular old Smoky the Bear to turn on her shower,
I ran to the kitchen to grab what was probably the smallest bowl in all of her cabinets to fill with water.
And I'm pretty sure Codi and Kate just continued to drink.
I suppose I should note that Sara is pretty experienced when it comes to putting out fires,
when she and I lived together in Kansas City, I accidentally started a fire there as well.
How was I supposed to know fireplaces have flutes that have to be opened?
I think she should forego her career as a pharmacist and join the Omaha Fire Department.
She's a star in the making.
Anyway, we were able to get the fire under control. With minimal black-age...
But I think it was around this time that I was stuck on the ceiling.
I'm not doing yoga as it might appear, I had actually scaled the wall in an attempt to shut off
the smoke alarm so the fire department wouldn't come.
And then I didn't know how to get down.
Sara later informed me that the thing I was sitting on, was as thin as a piece of cardboard.
I was probably about one minute away from falling through that wall.
If I fell through a wall I'm certain I would die from my heart bursting through my chest within seconds.
I am terribly claustrophobic and would most likely just kill myself out of shear terror.
Luckily, that didn't happen.
I want to tell you this is the end of the drama for the night but it isn't.
But I'm too emotionally exhausted reliving it so I have to wrap it up.
The rest of the night involved falling asleep in the lobby waiting for pizza,
a car getting towed, M&Ms being thrown, and $200 in hard cash or else.
Like I said, it was just too much.
And that's how it all began with a nautical baby shower and ended with a bathroom on fire
and two boxes of pizza.
Paul Harvey, good day.
Let's just say it all began with a nautical baby shower and ended with a bathroom on fire
and two boxes of pizza.
There may have been a few glasses of wine in between, as well.
And mimosas, and beers, and vodka. Just a few though.
The baby shower was for one of my oldest and dearest pal's, Mallory.
We used to hang out at pet shows and stuff back in the 90s.
and would meet every day for lunch in the Jazzercise playroom for fries and nuggets,
while our moms sashayed and lindy'd in their thong leotards.
It was good times back then.
We played all the cute preggo games you're supposed to play at showers such as,
measure Mal's belly, guess the name, and baby beer pong.
After shower number one, it was on to shower number two,
to celebrate bride-to-be, Codi.
Finger foods are truly one of the highlights in my life.
I go absolutely nuts for anything that appears "bite size."
Same goes for anything kabob-style.
I don't even like tomatoes, but I was all over the Caprese Kabobs.
Sara and Kate did an amazing job with the place.
They didn't take my suggestion of going with a "highway to hell" theme
(then again neither did the Prom committee of 2004)
and yet everything came together really nice in the end.
At this point in the night things are going really good.
I was reunited with some friends I hadn't seen in years.
I think I had almost forgotten how fun it is to socialize with someone not named Harlow.
Well one thing led to another, and soon enough we became those cliche sorority sisters,
singing our old songs and chants.
You know, the type of shit that non-sorority people hate us for.
I know... I didn't see it coming either.
The funny thing is, I was reminded that I didn't know the words to the songs then,
and I still don't now.
But I could hum with the best of them.
It was somewhere in between singing our old dinner prayer, and hearing a story about
when I should have switched to water.
But something about these girls just brings out the "Gumby" in me, so I switched to mixed drinks.
The party ended shortly after the shower for most of my sisters of love, friends of soul,
but a few of us decided to keep it going....
In hindsight, this wasn't the best idea.
Let's just say the night went from this-
to this-
real fast.
And this is the part where I struggle for words...
Between the hours of 12:00 a.m. and 3:00 a.m. there were events that took place that can never be spoken of again.
Here's what I can share.
Shortly before we were about to head downtown, we went to Sara's apartment to "freshen up."
At some point during this freshening up, it was necessary to move a candle into the bathroom.
You can use your imagination as to why.
We were finishing up our drinks when Sara suddenly said,
"you guys, do you smell something burning?"
Of course I thought Sara was having a heart attack, isn't this one of the first signs?
And I knew she had been so stressed with the shower and everything, it all made sense.
Well, Sara ran to the bathroom and when she opened the door flames burst out.
The towels, the rug, the sweatshirts hanging on the door, they were all on fire.
Sara flew into action and ran through the flames like a regular old Smoky the Bear to turn on her shower,
I ran to the kitchen to grab what was probably the smallest bowl in all of her cabinets to fill with water.
And I'm pretty sure Codi and Kate just continued to drink.
I suppose I should note that Sara is pretty experienced when it comes to putting out fires,
when she and I lived together in Kansas City, I accidentally started a fire there as well.
How was I supposed to know fireplaces have flutes that have to be opened?
I think she should forego her career as a pharmacist and join the Omaha Fire Department.
She's a star in the making.
Anyway, we were able to get the fire under control. With minimal black-age...
But I think it was around this time that I was stuck on the ceiling.
I'm not doing yoga as it might appear, I had actually scaled the wall in an attempt to shut off
the smoke alarm so the fire department wouldn't come.
And then I didn't know how to get down.
Sara later informed me that the thing I was sitting on, was as thin as a piece of cardboard.
I was probably about one minute away from falling through that wall.
If I fell through a wall I'm certain I would die from my heart bursting through my chest within seconds.
I am terribly claustrophobic and would most likely just kill myself out of shear terror.
Luckily, that didn't happen.
I want to tell you this is the end of the drama for the night but it isn't.
But I'm too emotionally exhausted reliving it so I have to wrap it up.
The rest of the night involved falling asleep in the lobby waiting for pizza,
a car getting towed, M&Ms being thrown, and $200 in hard cash or else.
Like I said, it was just too much.
And that's how it all began with a nautical baby shower and ended with a bathroom on fire
and two boxes of pizza.
Paul Harvey, good day.
