This is going to be a big game today, boys. I mean men. Our players are MEN, get your Sanduskying mind out of the gutter, Sandusky. We need a very strategic game plan for today if we're going to walk out of that stadium with a. a win and b. our innocence.
First and foremost, we need to make sure and cover our asses, I'm serious about this one! Especially the kickers! Those little guys could pass for an eight year old any day, so as a team, we need to make sure a lineman is with a kicker at all times today. When they get water, when they get a snack, go to bathroom, and need I even say when they shower. This is crucial. We need to implement the buddy system at all times in Horny Valley. Happy Valley. Whatever. Same goes for little T Mart. I know sometimes he can get pretty annoying and arrogant, but that's only because he's insecure. And that is exactly what the Dusky looks for! He can smell insecurity. So if Tay Tay starts playing bad, throws an interception or two, we need to have people on the look out for Duskys from all angles of the filed. Who knows where he could be creeping. He is a sneaky SOB and most likely could be hiding where you least expect it. Under the bleachers, lying under the sideline bench, hiding behind the water cooler, when in doubt just eagle eye the closest boy selling sodas. Dusky won't be far behind. And same with Burkhead, we need to make sure he is well protected all day, as well. I don't want to go into too much detail because I'm not a Sandusky, but let's just say there's something about this last name that might give Dusky some unnecessary jollies. I'll leave it at that. Although, I'm sure Sandusky would take it all the way to Duskyville. We have to be very strategic the way we think about this game today. For example, Derek Foster might make Sandusky think of foster children. Gotta keep an eye on him, he's a little freshman in case you didn't know, even more reason. The Cotton boys, cotton is a nice soft fuzzy material. Children like cotton... You catching on yet? Good. Jared Crick. Got a crick in my neck, need a massage? Well that's convenient because my neck is actually located on my.... Anyway.
Today is about so much more than winning. It's about keeping our boys, shit MEN, keeping our men safe. Trust no one. You've read the coverage. There is nothing Penn State won't cover up to keep their Football legacy strong. Nothing. From the President of the school to the Gingerbread McQueary. They've got a strong cult running there and obviously don't think twice about turning a blind eye to even the most horrific scandal. So watch out for the behind-the-action dirty play. I can't even imagine the type of tactics those Penn State Players were taught being under the instruction of JoePa and Sandusky. I just hope the officials are keeping an eye out for the ol Bear Hug and Stomach Blow cheap shots that will most definitely be going on at some point.
It's almost game day. Good luck. And maybe just to be on the safe side Carl should sit this one out at the hotel. Just a thought.
*disclaimer: even though I may make "light" of this terrible situation I feel the need to say I don't think it's light at all. It's disgusting and horrible and my heart goes out to those hurt by this, because all of this being drug up again can't be easy. And probably won't be easy for the rest of their lives. Sandusky needs to be Sanduskyed. GBR.
