First Game Day of the Rest of My Life

If ever there was a business of scammers, it's those who change car oil. When I ask for an oil change, that's what I want. But for some reason the boys at Jiffy Lube just can't seem to grasp that fact. They insist on throwing in every gadget and widget in the garage they can find. It drives me nuts. Today for example, in preparation of my trip back to Nebraska (yes I'm driving) I had to get my oil changed. The sign said Oil Change Special: $29.95. I tell the attendant, "I want just my oil changed, that's it. I want to pay $29.95. For an oil change. Change of the oil." Can I be much more clear than that? Ten minutes in, the man in the dirty mechanic suit pops into the waiting room,



"You need to get your filters changed."



"No, thank you. My dad's own a car shop, I do all of the extras at home." I've been using this line since the day I was born.



Five minutes later, he comes in again.



"You need to rotate the rotor specters for your modem frictor fractor"



"No, thank you. Just an oil change."



"Alright, but we really recommend you filter the air vents so the inside speculators can run through their ventilation course so the illuminated windmill factory in your engine ran by elves can run like it should. It's for the best."



Are Jiffy men the worse salesmen, or the best? I can't figure it out. Again, I said N-O.



When I go up to pay, he tells me it's going to be $45.95. I look at him like, are you shitting me? He tells me they had to refill my antifreeze. I'm driving a Camry, not a jet. I'm not making a bomb or dry ice or trying to kill Cay... never mind too soon... Bottom line, I don't need it. I'm on a budget, I can't afford all of these fancy add-ons like new breaks and fixing the fracture in my tire that could split any second. I just need a damned oil change to make the red light go away in my car. Is that so much to ask? So the cheap SOB actually removed the anti freeze he'd put in my car because it wasn't a part of the "oil change special." What a cheap ass... Him not me. I can't catch a break around here. If only I had something in my future to cheer me up.... What? What's that you say Facebook world? A Husker game is right around the corner. Well you don't say.



Yes, it seems all of FB world is just as excited as I am for Saturday. I like to think of Husker season as the 9/11 of Facebook, I mean the way it brings everyone together. And only in that way. Just because it feels right, I'm going to plan out my Fantasy Football Day if you don't mind.



9/3/2011 Montage.



Morning: To start off at a tailgate or the Bar... That is one of the biggest dilemmas of all. Especially since Saturday will mark the first annual Wolfe Tailgate, feel free to stop by for a howling good time. Oh, I'm too much. So anyway, my agenda for pre game will be the Bar, the Rail, head to tailgate to munch and throw a football around with a little kid in a parking lot. Maybe start some Go Big Red cheers. Probably glare at some new freshman girls in their jersey dresses and wedge flip flops in shear jealousy. Glance toward the North Bottoms at the sloppy college kids, let a moment of nostalgia take over... Drink some more to remember I'm still having the time of my life. Say a prayer for Patrick Swayze. Chug one more beer, make way toward stadium. Say things like, wow there's a lot of people here. Tell Chris "I'm not drunks, I'm just hungrys." Fight the crowd, elbow people who are too close to me in line. Find seat just as tunnel walk begins. Let goosebumps take over as the players come out, get a little sad I was never able to play college football. Settle in, cheer, cheer, cheer! Nudge person next to me for sitting in my butt space. Vals. Runza. Pop. Water. Is it time to go yet? Getting sleepy, it's clutch time. Either drink more or give in and eat more thus ending the night because it's bound to be a binge dinner... Leave stadium. We win! More chants! Drunk kids falling, police arresting. See people I wouldn't say hi to sober but since I'm drunk we'll hug and scream and say I MISS YOU! Embassy drinks? Maybe, maybe not. Rail? I think so. Shots. Shots. Shots. Shots. Shots. Too much. Old friends reunited! Shots. Shots. (Just kidding adults, I don't really drink this much. But your kid probably does.) Dance like idiots. Limby (yes, I think this might come out.) Slinty eyes, red cheeks, sloppiness everywhere. Bar time? Or hot dog vendor? Hot dogs. See girl crying on street. See boy puking in alley. Swear to self Lincoln is the best place on earth. Walk to Bar, cut line. Feel far too good about cutting line. More friends! More kids that look way younger than you. Admit to younger Thetas you creep on them on Facebook. Regret this the next day. How old am I now? RBVs RBVs RBVs! Party in the USA! Take me home tonight! Snoop, Gin'n Juice. Lights come on. Everyone looks like death, me included. Taxi time? Lincoln only has one. Time for my reward: Lazzaris. Spicy chicken, bucket of ranch. Time for bed. Good night, moon. Hello hangover. First game day of the rest of my life.



XOXO



Bubba Starling