For all of the Little Monsters

It was around 2:00 p.m. yesterday when I was on a walk with Harlow when my mom called me and said,

"Do you want to go to Gaga?"

"Like as in tonight?"

"Yes. Jade's friend has two more tickets, we can go."

I thought about it for about two seconds. But then I thought about the green dye I had just purchased for the green beers I was going to drink all by myself in about two hours and I decided I would be responsible and turn down a ticket to Gaga which would obviously lead to too many cocktails which would lead to another Friday of me not working. Mistake number one.

Never turn down a free ticket to Gaga. And never work on a Friday. What was I thinking? Who in their right mind passes up a chance like this? It's not every day you get to see an 8 year old cross dresser. Or a 40 year old man in a two piece dress with the sparkly white wig. What about the lesbian 13 year olds dressed in meat suits? I really dropped the ball on this one. I know this much. If there's two things I love in this world it's animals dressed as humans and little kids dressed as adults (whorish adults even, I don't care I think it's entertaining.) I missed all of this and more. I wouldn't have even had to go inside the concert and I'm sure I would have had a ball of a time just staring (judging) everybody else in attendance.

My sources tell me that Westboro was even there. Yeah, this was definitely the straw that BrokebackMountain the camels back for me. To think I could have gotten a ride with them! That was a big reason I didn't go, I didn't want to have to a. drive alone or b. not be able to drink while I drive. If I would have saddled up with the Westboros they could have solved both of my problems. I've seen their red van covered in hate messages, it's pretty roomy, I'm quite sure they could have fit one more. I would have even thrown in for gas, it's so expensive right now! This is just another reason as to why I hate this church. They're such frauds. Puhleassse taking off on a Thursday night to go "protest" a Gaga concert, now this is just getting downright frivolous. Yeah right. Why do I have a feeling "Marcus" the young 19 year old boy who was unfortunately born into this church, who is also just a little bit light in his shoes if you know what I mean, was behind this one. I imagine the church meeting for this one might have gone something like this...

Pastor Fred: "Alright we need to decide where we're gonna protest this week, who does God hate most right now. Any ideas?"

Church member #1: "Post office? Police Station? Court house?"

Church member #2: "Libya? Japan?"

Pastor Fred: "We were just there last week. C'mon people think. I'm so tired of protesting the same places. Let's get creative here."

Marcus: (feel free to add a lisp if you'd like) "I have an idea.I uh, well a little birdy told me that Lady Gaga might be having a fierce concert close by in Omaha, Nebraska."

Pastor Fred: "Lady whodeewhat? Speak up Marcus, we can't hear ya in the back. And take off that damn hat, you look like a Methodist."

Marcus: "Lady Gaga. You know that killer singer who always wears the mammoth sparkle induced high heels and the most frilly gorgeous gowns you'd ever see. She's to die!... I mean she needs to die. All those nasty gay peeps like her. We should totes go there. I'll volunteer to rep us."

And then the church praises sweet spikey haired Marcus for his good idea and the rest is history, they show up at Gaga with their disgusting signs that show images of what they believe gay people do to each other, which coincidentally enough, were also drawn by Marcus when he's all alone in his room at night. This is all just speculation of course.

But I sincerely hope all of you little monsters had a great time at the concert last night. Gaga is hands down, the most talented hermaphrodite I have ever seen. I only hope she comes near this necks of the woods again in the future and I might have the opportunity to experience her show once and for all. And if not, I will just go to Missy B's in downtown Kansas City and try to catch their after hours show, which everybody knows features the best looking 6 foot, 200 lb women in all of KC.

Happy weekend, and don't feel bad if you're lucky enough to get to have a drink early today, because you know what they say, it's always 2:00 somewhere.