Bachelor Edition- This is so boring I want to die.

Was this episode called Women Tell All or cheap ploy to try to promote the Bachelor Pad? If I want to watch twenty F List reality show "celebs" get drunk and annoying I'll just pull out my old Laguna Beach DVDs- specifically season two starring big chinned Breanna Conrad. I'd rather watch ol Big Chin than watch Vienna prance around a pool in her nasty green swimsuit again talking about her Mustangs and her daddy back at home in the Bayou. I've seen enough of that girl to last me a lifetime. Same goes for Gia. The one and only reason I would even be slightly tempted to watch another trashy show like The Pad would be just so I could catch another glance of the lovely Rosaline. I place Rosaline in the same category that I do Michelle and Aubrey Headband Danity Kane O'Day, completely crazy but extremely entertaining.

So now on to the women- tell all-segment. And by this I mean women- fight over eachother to bitch and talk the loudest until one of them starts to cry and gets all of the attention- segment.

Did anybody else notice Ashley's makeover? I could hardly recognize that little siren! Is this a disguise I wonder? I feel like she went from dentist to superhero thanks to a good wig and red lipstick. She seems to have a whole new confidence to her and I'm loving it.

And then we spent way too much time on Melissa. Melissa the haggard 35 year old who loves her onion breath and who manages a tanning salon while bartending on the weekends at a sports bar in order to pay for her three young kids and make payments on her yellow Jeep. I think Melissa got VH1 and ABC mixed up when it came time to audition for dating shows.

Somewhere along the lines Michelle grew a heart and started to feel emotions. It was probably around the time Chris Harrison labeled himself as "big as a smart alec as anyone." Hmmm right. Michelle was all sad because she left her daughter I guess. So since Michelle left her daughter, she had to say snide things about the other women, because she left her daughter. Did Michelle mention she left her daughter? Because she felt really bad about it. But I'll be damned if the other women were going to let Michelle have this one because they weren't. Oh hell to the no. Harrison had to jump in, along with a few audience members, and tell the other ladies to shut their rude little mouths and leave innocent Michelle alone. She's just a funny, sarcastic gal who missed her daughter, cut her some slack ladies, geesh. But nooooo, Jackie the Jewish lizard just couldn't let it go. Oy vey Jackie! Get over it. Michelle was a straight up nut job the entire season but because she's dropped a few tears and talked about her daughter tonight like she's dying from cancer we all have no other choice but to forget about her shadyness and just move on.

So we move on to Ashley S. Is it a good night for the Ashleys or what?! They are both looking grrreat. But then Ashley S starts to talk and we're reminded why we'd prefer to tape her mouth shut and put a bag over her head. Too harsh? Probably, but that scratchy, twangy accent of her's is like nails on a chalkboard. I also can't tell if she just has a whiney attitude, or if that's just her voice? Or is that just an after affect of years of mental abuse from the bad relationships she's mentioned?

And then more blah blah blah, tear tear, giggle giggle, bitch, gripe and moan. Blah blah blah. Why doesn't ABC give these women drinks? Why doesn't ABC give me drinks? This was all so painful to watch. How does Chris Harrison look himself in the mirror I wonder after sitting through something like this? You imagine sitting in a room with twenty women as they all discuss and analyse to death one relationship that they were in for no more than three weeks. With the same guy. It's awful, I did it, it's called sorority meetings.

Then right at the end Brad swoops in on his white horse, but obviously has to park her backstage because technically we're not supposed to know he chooses Chantal. I'm assuming he tied her up in the green room with some carrots and peanut butter to keep her busy while he smiles and gloats on stage looking at all of the women he turned away who are still quite enthralled with him. He says he's "so happy to see all of them" and they all bat their eyelashes and secretly wonder if they still might have a chance with him.

And then the show ends because I can't stand to watch another minute of Chris Harrison acting like he's a real human attempting to play soccer and hug orphaned children like he actually cares. Let's hope next week is better, not sure it could get any worse.