Getting My Bachelorette On

What a lovely day this is. I awoke to the sun shining brightly on my face, little birds were chirping around my bed ready to help me take off my night gown, tiny mice were waiting in the bathroom to help brush my beautiful hair and then Chris was in the kitchen with scrambled eggs, a fruit plate and a mimosa ready to send me off to Tye's Bachelorette weekend in Denver. Couldn't get much better than this. But wait, what's that you said radio announcer? Taylor Swift and Jake Gyllenhaal are done? Because Jake dumped her? Well you don't say! What more could a girl ask for today? Did I mention I also just got my screenplay back from my editor, and with rave reviews I might add. I mean I don't want to brag or anything, I wasn't even going to mention I have an editor, but after she gave me compliments like "you are the most talented writer ever," and "I bet I know where you get this talent," and "you should thank your mom for all of her help she's given you with writing," how could I not brag? I really don't even think my mom was being bias when she gave me those compliments, she told me herself she was being completely honest. And moms don't lie when it comes to complimenting their children.

So now I am going to take this weekend to fully relax. Those two days back at work were pretty hard on me. I am just going to fully relish in this quality time I am so lucky enough to spend with my dear, dear friends. Because everything changes after someone gets married. Feels like it was just yesterday we were dancing on tables in Chicago for Jade's Bachelorette and now look at her. She gets a buzz off of Welchs Sparkling grape juice. And she can't even dance right now because it might make her water break. Or her placenta fall out. Or the after birth. Or the cork or something. I'm not really sure how it happens, but from what I've gathered, it's not going to be pretty. At first I wanted her to call me the minute she thought something was happening. But after a conversation with her yesterday I said it might be best if I waited a few days after the whole birthing thing before I came. I mean I get freaked out by a dirty napkin. I can't even fathom how many dirty napkins will be involved with this process. The more I think about childbirth the more it seems so ice aged to me. I mean how can we have video phone chats and free skype and scanners in an airport that can smell if you're a terrorist but we haven't figured out a more efficient and cleaner way to have a baby. I'm not going to go into detail, because I imagine most of you get the gist of it, but really, how can there not be a better way? I'm still not letting go of my dream that by time I have a baby it will be more like a hatching process. I've discussed this egg theory with Chris many times and he always comes back with the same response that then I would have to sit on that egg for nine months. To which point I respond I don't really care. I would gladly sit on an egg for nine months if it would mean avoiding pushing a watermelon out of somewhere a watermelon shouldn't be. I use this specific fruit because this is what Jade said it felt like the other day when she was having baby cramps or something. She said it felt like a watermelon was doing 180's inside of her. And then punching her insides with it's tiny fists. I added that punching part, but I bet she was thinking it. I just hope that watermelon doesn't come out this weekend while I'm gone. Because even though I say I don't want to see him all slimy and cone-headed I really do. I have a few words I'd like to share with him within his first hours out of the womb, just some things that need to be said while his mind is still fresh.

Enough baby talk, it's time to get my bachelorette on. We're talking obnoxious screaming and hugging and dancing and drinking and penis hats and ball straws and "Im getting married" sashes and naughty jello shots and gross penial bracelets. We're not coming home until all of Denver knows that Tyeler is getting married. We're a bachelorette party damn it so we better get a lot of attention! At piano bars we'll be the sloppy ones on the stage, Tye will belt karaoke, we'll cut lines, we'll dance in inappropriate places, but most importanty, we're going to act as if we're the first bachelorette party ever. Because from what I've gathered, that is the most essential part- that and raunchy scavenger hunts.