Chpt 12 Messy Public Break Ups

Private breakups are so P.B.

Break ups are hard. They’re the very reason I refused to date anyone until I was twenty years old. I’d seen too many friends go through awful situations that caused them to either straight up go crazy, or gain like ten pounds. I wanted nothing to do with either. As I mentioned earlier, relationship rules aren’t quite like they used to be, thanks to Facebook. That being said, break ups aren’t like they used to be, either. During the time of P.B. (Pre Facebook) it was quite common for couples to experience week long break ups and no one would be the wiser, except maybe a few close friends or family members. Occasionally, this might still be the case with some people, even with the likes of Facebook. Taking down “in a relationship,” is just such a drastic move. It is pretty standard for a couple to leave that status up for as long as possible before they have to finally accept that their relationship is indeed in the dumps. As if a break up isn’t hard enough, Facebook proceeds to worsen it by plastering that awful broken heart symbol all over your profile page. And then of course the mini feed picks that notification up almost immediately and seems to post it on repeat for the entire Facebook world to see and talk about for hours on end. The online networking world is no place for the weak.

Others prefer to fly a bit more under the radar when it comes to break ups. The best option for some is to completely deactivate for a few weeks in the event of a break up. While this is a great way to scoot around much of the online drama, sometimes it does have the opposite effect because it simply adds to the speculation of the situation. Speaking from a creeper’s point of view, there is nothing more irritating than a person deactivating during a time of turmoil. No Facebook wall results in zero revealing wall posts left by well meaning friends. “Just wanted to say I’m here for you whenever you need me,”= girl got dumped. “The hardest decisions usually have the best outcomes… In the meantime can’t wait to go out with you Friday,”= girl dumped a clinger guy.

So let’s talk for a moment about Facebook Girl. Just like the rest of her life, this is a public affair, as well. Sometimes literally. For as quickly as she jumps into her relationships she seems to jump out just as fast. One day her profile page boasts a full heart and the caption “is in a relationship with,” not to mention a few statuses regarding, “is the happiest girl ever,” and “is so happy we found each other.” And then sometimes, not more than a week later that same heart is split right down the middle and is listed as “is now single.” It’s a tragic love story, but Facebook Girl seems to wear her love wounds as badges of honor on her wall. Because any press is good press, right? After all, what is the point of beginning/ending a relationship if it’s not on Facebook?

The love-happy statuses are entertaining, but not nearly as entertaining as the love-hate pissed off crazy ex girlfriend posts. Coming across these vengeful posts while checking my mini during the day are like finding a random dollar bill in your jean pocket- quite unexpected and yet completely satisfying! Break up posts have done for Facebook what Snooki has done for the Jersey Coast; added a double shot of vulgarity to an already full drink.

FbGirl: “I hope everything you have put me through comes back on you ten times over. I’m seriously sorry I ever met you but can’t help but laugh when I think of the skank you let start all of this. Have a good life loser.”

I’m sensing some mixed signals here. So are wishing negative things “ten times over,” or for a “good life?” Perhaps lack of communication lead to said debacle. Just a thought.

FbGirl: “Thinks you should probably come get any shit you still have at my apartment because in about one hour I am burning it all. If you think I’m kidding just wait.”

Wonder if she is burning it in the same pot as the rabbit?

FbGirl: “Just when you finally let yourself be happy for once in your life he takes all of that happiness and throws it away. For what reason I still don’t know.”

Come on now Facebook Girl, “happy for once in your life?” Don’t be so dramatic. Your spring break photo album circa 2009 begs to differ.

FbGirl: “Can’t take another heart break. How is this happening to me again?”

Look through all of your Facebook history i.e statuses, wall posts, profile picture poses, ext, and then ask this question again.