Wickutah

So how about Wichita? You ever been? Helluva town. I should say city though, because Wichita is the largest city in Kansas. But honestly, everybody knows it's Kansas City, it's only people from Wichita who really try to hold onto this fact. I like to think of Wichita as Topeka's older brother. The dirty older brother who smuggles in drugs and smells like smoke and hangs out with a lot of minorities, that's Wichita. I've seen a smoke shop on every corner, a car in every front yard, and an outlet mall with stores like Payless and JC Penny's... If I see a Dollar Tree outlet I'm really gonna freak.

So what are kids like in this town? Well let me give you a quick run down of the questions I've been asked today...

"Is this a sleepover college?"
Um. What. What the hell does this even mean? As opposed to non "sleepover" colleges?

"Do you like have medical classes?"
Hmm. As deceiving as it might seem, as I stand up here in a chefs jacket promoting culinary, no. No, our school does not have "medical classes."

And what does a medical class mean to you, I so badly wanted to axsk dis girl. I'm assuming if the medical classes fall through she'll go with option two and just become a lawyer instead. Somewhere along the lines every ghetto child alive received a motivational speech from their cracked out uncle to become either a doctor or lawyer when they grow up.

"You got sports teams?"
Again, I realize the confusion, but no, this specific art college does not have collegiate sports. Try Argosy.

"I ain't know my address?"
Is this a question, or a statement? Because neither would really apply to me. Although I'm obviously impressive with my knife skills, I'm not so impressive regarding knowing the addresses of people I've never met.

"Which program would be body piercing?"
Another great question. Try Argosy.

"So like, you from the Food Network?"
Yes. Yes, I am. And today I just decided to take a break from working for a major television company to come to Wichita, Kansas to make food for all of you litte thugs. Isn't that fun?

The last class was so disrespectful I had no other choice but to just stop what I was doing right in the middle and tell them it was time for me to leave. The teacher had obviously stopped paying attention as well because five minutes later when she looked up and I was all packed to go she asked,

"Oh, are you done already?"

To which I replied,

"Yup. Gotta get back to the Food Network."

And I turned and left. I was about to say I "got the hell out of Wichita," but last time I used that phrase about an awful town was in September 2009, and that town was Topeka. I would hate to jinx myself again so I'm gonna refrain.

But today I realized I've become somewhat of the travel writer I've always aspired to be. It's just that rather than going to boring old restaurants and theme parks when in a new town I simply choose to visit high schools and grocery stores instead. I guess I'm kinda like the Samantha Brown of the Midwest. Visiting one shitty town at a time. Next stop tomorrow: Leavenworth, Kansas. Home to the United States Penitentiary. Wish me luck.